Anton's Haus

Back in New Mexico

2011-06-18T23:09:00.002-06:00

Hello!
So I have been home for a few days now. I haven't been having the social life I would have liked to come back to, but that is alright. I really considered this being the 'last post' but I think I will wait a while longer.

Utah was a lot of fun, I kept busy and saw a lot of people. Pride was probably the best part. I made out with a cute boy to piss off some protesters and it was just overall a good day, besides my sunburn. I also hooked up with a fairly cute guy up there. I had my birthday while I was up there (thank you Alan for the birthday wish) and I got like $300 worth of clothes and $500 cash, which I have no complaints about. It was the best birthday I have had in at least 3 years though. It may not have been the best visit up there, but I enjoyed myself.

Things at home are alright. My parents are both sober, for now. I expect that to change soon though, just cuz of my pessimistic nature. My dads company is being sold and there is a good chance he will lose his job within a year, which will set him off. Also, money is generally just really tight with my parents now. They are strugling with some of the bills. I don't know what the fuck they do with our money, cuz we should have more based on their incomes and our lifestyle. oh well... I have started paying for more of my own stuff to help them out. I am going to start looking for a job in early July, so I can become even more financially independent.

~If~ they start drinking again, I am not gonna deal with it this time. My plan is as follows:
-Withdraw all the money from my bank accounts, including the joint one I have with my mom.
-Pack up ALL of my stuff I can fit into my car, take it to a friends, and live with them until the end of the semester, and pay a couple hundred dollars rent to help them.
-Finish whatever semester I am in, and drop out of UNM.
-Drive myslef and all my shit to Utah, and move in with my godmother.
-Take a year off of school to work and save money.
-Enroll at the University of Utah, get an apartment and start my life and never speak to my parents again.

I am done fighting them, and this is what I am going to do if they are gonna start pulling dumb shit again.

One of my other big stress factors at the moment is the fact that my cars transmission might be dying. I'm not sure, and it is still running, but idk what the hell I am gong to do if I need a new car. ugh.

I have been somewhat more suicidal than I have been in about 6 years for the past several weeks. No worries, I wont do anything, but things just see much more bleak and pointless and nothing matters as much as it used to, not that it did much in the 1st place. If I had the money I would consider therapy, but that isnt gonna happen, so I will stick with my self medication.

The next couple weeks are probably going to be pretty crazy. I plan on partying a lot and maybe trying some new stuff. I have good self control, so no need to worry about me. I am just gonna enjoy my summer and thats that. Warped Tour is in a little over a week, and that will be my big event for the summer. It should be lots of fun.

I will probably be concluding this blog in a month or so when things look more stable, and I can leave you with closure with the parent drama and such.
Love you all
~Anton

Starting to shut down

2011-05-18T15:37:00.003-06:00

Hey!
So I am on sumer break and I am pretty happy about it. I have been having lost of fun with my friends. I ended up going to Las Cruces 2 weekends ago... it was a crazy weekend and loads of fun. I kinda ended up cheating on my BF, but all my judgment was long gone by that point. I think I am going to break up with him tomorrow anyways. I am not really looking forward to doing it, but I just feel like its best I do before I go to Utah. I am leaving in 6 days.
I got hip tattoos! The right hip is a sun and the left is a moon. I tried uploading pictures on here, but it didnt work. :( I cant wait to get more done.
I am probably gonna be deleting sometime in the next few weeks. I have lost most of my interest in blogger, and it seems more of a chore than a hobby. It really helped me for the 1st year that I had it though. But I am hardly posting once a month these days anyways...
I will probably have a couple more posts though in the next couple weeks.
~Anton

Ending Freshman Year

2011-04-29T12:34:00.003-06:00

Hello!
Nothing too exciting has happened here lately, so thats why I havent posted in a couple weeks. School has been alright, we have finals in 2 weeks, so I am kinda stressed about that, but I think I will do alright in everything. Also, I got my classes for next semester. I am taking U.S. History up till 1877, Public Speaking, American Politics and Evolution and Human Emergence. So I am pretty excited about that.
I got my Warped Tour ticket, and I can't wait for that. It should be lots of fun! I also got my plane tickets for my summer trip to Utah I will be there May 24th to June 14th. So I will be having my birthday there, so hopefully that will be fun. I will also be there for one of my friends graduation. Then I will get back here, probably party hard for 2 weeks here, go to Las Cruces for a week or so for warped tour and party double hard there and then get serious about getting a job in July and tone down the partying and such.
Um... I've been kinda depressed for the past week or so. Nothing too major, I have just felt like shit. I am gonna spend the day with my boyfriend today, so hopefully that will cheer me up. I do think I will end it with him the week or so before I go to Utah though. He is sweet, but we just arent compatible and I kinda wanna be single over the summer anyways. I think it will be harder than I am expecting to end it with him, but I feel like if I dont just tell him I will end up cheating, telling him and then having a much nastier break up. I wanna end it on good terms.
I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna dye my hair purple before I go to Utah, and I will probably keep it like that for a month or so before I go back to blond.
I have kept up with working out 3 or 4 times a week for the mot part. its nothing too serious, but I definitely wanna lose 10 pounds or so.
Well, thats about it.
<3
~Anton

Warped

2011-04-11T14:56:00.002-06:00

Hello :)
Things have been going pretty well for the most part lately.

The whole Jordan issue thing is definitely behind me. I have been hanging out with him a lot recently, more than anyone else actually. Its felt good to have one of my best friends back, especially as I grow further and further apart from some of my other friends.

School is also going pretty well. My grads are still kinda slipping, just cuz I'm in the last month or so, but I'm still gonna get all A's and B's. I have a lot of studying to do for my tests this week, but I will get around to that this evening.

I have been talking a lot to this really cute boy who lives in New York. He makes me happy and is one of the like 3 people I would get into a long distance relationship with. But I do have my boyfriend, so that doesnt really matter. Bobby has been annoying me a bit lately though. He is just too indecisive. But he slept over the other night, which was fun. I like him a lot when we are both intoxicated. haha :)I will probably break it off in a month or so. I wanna be single over the summer I think.

I have been listening to a lot of punk and post-hardcore type music lately, and I just found out that Warped Tour is coming to Las Cruces this year. Warped is basically a big concert with a whole bunch of those types of bands. My aunt said she will buy my ticket for me, which Is awesome cuz I am pretty broke. So as long as I can get at least one other of my friends to commit to going, and like 5 of them want to, I will have her get my ticket. I am so excited!!!!

So that is Junt 29th, so I will probably try to go to Utah for 3 weeks at the end of may/beginning of June and spend my birthday there. Then I will get back in time to start looking for a job. If I dont have one by the beginning of July, I will start trying really herd and look at places I would much less prefer. But I kinda wanna wait till I get done with my summer travels. I am really broke though, I think I will have to take some money out of my savings account to get me through till I get my birthday money.

I am also playing with the idea of deactivating my blogger. I probably wont for several months. I probably will once my tumblr has more followers than this does. I just enjoy tumblr more, and I can post rants on there too. I just don't feel dedicated enough to blogger to keep it up. But Idk, I am just thinking about possibilities. I will be here for a few more months at least.

<3
~Anton

Peace and Parties

2011-04-01T15:37:00.002-06:00

Hello!
I just thought I would post a little update.

So the other night Jordan came over and we hung out for a few hours. 1st thing he dis was apologize for being a douche bag for the past 3 weeks or so. It was pretty much everything I wanted to hear from him. He even talked about what a hypocrite he was and it was just really nice. So peace has been made and things are returning to normal.

Last night my friends came over and drank. It was their first time meeting Bobby. I was kinda anxious, but everyone liked each other and it was really comfortable. I thank alcohol for easing the awkwardness. But the whole night was fun. A lot of fun. haha

Oh, and this one really cute boy i only kind of know from macroeconomics apparently got my number from jordan a couple days ago. He is really annoying, but really cute. He hasn't texted me yet though, but just the knowledge that he asked made me feel good.

He is always at these parties that happen every friday, so I am kinda wanting to go to the one tonight, but that depends on if anyone else wants to. I am gonna try to get Bobby to sleep over again tomorrow night. He is really nice to be with. haha

Thats about it for now!
Byeeee
~Anton

P.S....

2011-03-29T23:03:00.001-06:00

just in the hour or so since my last post down below, I REACHED 100 FOLLOWERS!!!!! :D
Than you all so much! I love each of you and you all mean a lot to me. Thanks!!!!

Life goes on

2011-03-29T20:08:00.002-06:00

Hey!
Well, not a ton has been going on in my live. It seems like I am kinda reverting to my antisocial, friendless existence that I used to have. Well, not really. I just haven't been seeing really any of my friends in ages. They have their own things going on or whatever... It feels like all my relationships are kinda falling apart except for a few.
The most angering is definitely the situation with Jordan. I may have talked about this before, but basically he ditched us all, except Sonia, for his boyfriend, who he just started seeing and who is moving very soon. I wouldn't have a problem if they had been in a long relationship with him, but he rushed into this thing that is obviously gonna hurt him in the end, so I have no remorse for him. He is choosing to hurt himself. The REAL issue is that he was the one who lead our efforts to kick Brittany out of the group after she chose her scum bag boyfriend over us. Jordan is just being a fucking hypocrite.
I would never leave my friends for a boy. I will always honor plans I have already made with my friends and I would never stop hanging out with them for anyone. I balance friends and romance and I don't get why other people cant fucking do that and they have to throw something good away.
Anyways, he has been all offended that we felt hurt about his betrayal and things have been pretty tense between him/Sonia and me/Sam, with Steph in the middle. I have seem him once in the past 2 1/2 weeks and that wasn't the most pleasant experience, but it was okay. And then today I saw him leaving and he gave me the coldest little wave he could. So Idk, I guess that friendship might be over, which sucks, but I guess he might come around. whatever.

Anyways, things are going okay with my boyfriend. He is sweet and treats me well and makes me happy. I don't particularly like him a TON, but we have some good times. I think the major reason I settled for him is that 1) he is cute 2) My social life is going to hell and I need someone new in my life that I can rely on seeing and 3) I kinda want a relationship, and he was there. Overall I am grateful I am in the relationship, but I also dont plan on it lasting more than a few months. Who knows, its the best thing I have going for myself at the moment. Most other aspects of my life are kinda bleh.

I am trying really hard to get all A's this semester, but I have so little motivation to study these days. I know I wont get worse than a B in any class, but A's would be nice.

So thats it for now.
ttyl!
<3
~Anotn

The Boyfriend

2011-03-18T13:03:00.002-06:00

Hello!
So first things first, Las Cruses was a lot of fun. I had a great time with my friends and going to a couple parties. There were a few surprises down there, but over all it was a lot of fun and I dont really regret my decisions. It was a good experience to have once. The thing about me as opposed to a lot of people my age who like trying new things, is that I dont have an 'addictive' personality. I am just curious and I like knowing what things are like, but thats about the extent of it. But anyways, it was a good visit and it definitely made me happy.

So the other big news is that I have been on a few dates with this kid I met through Connexion and who also knows my friend Stephanie, and were kinda going out now. He graduated from my school in the same year, but I never new him, which isnt so weird considering we had nearly a thousand in our grade.
Anyways, his name is Bobby and he is pretty cute. He is not exactly the smartest person in the world, and I think its probably cuz he did too many drugs in high school. I honestly dont think we are built to last more than a couple months or so, but I am just bored and I really wanted something new in my life. He one of those really 'damaged' people, which I kinda have an issue with. I feel bad for everything that he has had to deal with, but I'm not a care-taking kind of person, I suck at empathy and healing people and I have little tolerance for some of the stuff he says. I prefer when I am the more damaged one, its so much easier. But there a lot about him that I like, and some things I dont like s much, so idk, its something to keep me happy for a while, and it may ending up as more than that. He does make me happy though, and thats all I care about at the moment. We'll see what happens, but I'm keeping my expectations low.

So thats about all of it.
Post again soon!
~Anton

On the brink of disaster.

2011-03-05T11:57:00.003-07:00

So I know I haven't been posting lately, but I have been doing a good job of ignoring things I don't want to talk about and the things I am willing to talk about seem pointless to share. So this post has the potential to be very long and kinda depressing. I'm really not looking for judgement or advice or anything. I just want to vent. This is mostly just for me to sort out my thoughts than to ask for opinions on my insanity.

So pretty much the past like month or so things haven't been going so well. I have not seen too much of my friends here compared to usual. I have been panicking about my future with having a job and being alone and ever being successful or happy. And I have been having these problems with my best friend, Elsa, which has by far been the worst.
For those of you who don't know, we live 450 miles apart and most of our relationship is based on constant texting. Well, we haven't been talking as much and what we do talk about isn't as meaningful as usual. This is for a lot of reasons I guess. Shes been bust with school and various other things and I have been generally distant, and I am not even sure why I have been. She also has this thing going on that has caused her to be kinda absent for long periods of time every day or two. During those times I get way to stuck in my head and I feel alone and to an extent, jealous. I wont go into details of it out of respect for her privacy... but that has been causing me to detach for the past week or so. I fully support it and I am happy about it, I just need to get used to it.
Also, as I mentioned in my last post, my friends here and I are planning on going to Las Cruces again soon, next weekend actually. This time the plan is to try ecstasy. A few of them down there have already tried it and those of us who haven't are going to try it. But this has, to understate it, caused a lot of tension between Elsa and I. I have wanted to try it for over a year, because as I understand it, it is the most amazing feeling, and I am naturally curious, but she strongly disproves. I feel like I need to make it clear that all I want is to TRY it, not depend it for happiness. And I have done my research on it, this is an educated decision. I like feeling detached from reality for periods of time. It helps me come back and focus on what I need to do. Also I like the intimate bonds I always feel from trying things with people for the first time, like when I first drank or smoked weed. Lately I have felt like I have had nothing. All my friends have been distant, I have been as successful as ever romantically and I have greatly reduced my typical forms of being in an altered state, out of respect for Elsa's wishes. Those are kinda the things that keep me going, meaningful friend relationships, semi-meaningful romantic/sexual relationships, and an escape from reality, but I haven't had any of those for a long time, and its slowly breaking me down because I am too trapped in my self destructive mind and I have been over stressing about my future in addition. So I decided to go through with rolling in Cruces. But it is creating a lot of problems for me although I am 95% sure it will make me feel much much better. I feel selfish for wanting it, but I also feel like shes selfish for keeping me from one of the few things that will help me feel like I have anything going for me. I partially understand her reasons though, and I respect them, but if I keep going down the road I am on, it will lead to me hurting myself in much much worse ways. Its a gamble deciding to roll and I hope it works out, but I really feel like it will help me.

The past probably 2 weeks has been the longest period of time in over 5 years when I have been relatively suicidal. I would never go through with it, because I know what it would do to the people who care about me, so I would rather suffer alone than cause them all pain. Thats just way too selfish... even if its what I want a lot of the time. But I assure you, there is no reason to worry. I do plan on talking to my parents about getting me on some anti-depressants. I would like therapy, but I don't know if we can afford it, but I think anti-depressants would do me a lot of good.

So with all that said, don't worry about me, I will be fine, and before you give me a long winded comment about why I shouldn't or what a horrible person I am, I know already. Its stupid and selfish, but I need something to change.
Please refer to the 1st paragraph before you let loose on me. I don't need to feel worse than I have been.

With lots of love
~Anton
<3

jagdfgnlakbgkj;anfs;nafsg;lngf;kj

2011-02-21T21:21:00.004-07:00

Hey! So yeah, I couldn't thinnk of a post title, hence ^ that. This weekend has been one of the most boring ever. Well, not really, but it has been kinda lame and I have had way too much time to myself.

Basically I did nothing productive, even the little but of homework i had, which I will have to do on the bus or in astronomy tomorrow. I did go to a party one night with Jordan and Sonia. It was pretty fun and full of moderately attractive gay boys and some straight girls. I mostly just sat around and talked to Sonia and occasionally some other people. There was a guy there who reminded me sooooo much of John. So it kinda disgusted me cuz i truly hate his guts, but it also brought up some old feelings. Anyways, that party ended, so we went to another, which seemed interesting, but Sonia was leaving and Jordan was super drunk (and ended up at someone else's house) so I left with Sonia and ended up getting home at about 4.
Then the night after I hung out with my friends for like 3 hours. But that has been the extent of all my social interactions for the past 4 days, which has been painfully little for me.

Also my parents are being annoying tits. When they are sober they are obnoxious as fuck, when they drinking they throw all our money away and fuck things up. There is NO middle ground that I can tolerate. I'd definitely rather have this then the drinking, but I still hate them both so much. In the middle of the week I was seriously considering moving to Las Cruses and just saying fuck it, which I may still do for next semester. I may also just try to rent a house here with Sam and Steph. IDK, but I hate being around these idiots.
Also, my moms short term disability that she is getting for her surgery is nearly a month late, so I gave her a $200 loan, and I am getting $300 back when the money gets here. And they are sending her more than she was expecting, so hopefully some more of that money will make it my way. I would LOVE to get a new car.

Um... I also really hate my hair. It is ridiculous and nasty and annoying and I want someone else's hair. Also I wanna get my 1st tattoo soon. I just cant decide if i want it on my right ankle, right fore are, right shoulder or one of my wrists. Also I kinda wanna get my lip pierced. I cant decide if i want spider bites or just my left side though... I need to be less indecisive. Hmm...

Well, I think thats it for now
Post again laters
<3
~Anton

The Weekend

2011-02-13T19:42:00.002-07:00

SO I just got back from Las Cruses a few hours ago. In summary, Friday night was one of the best of my life, and made the whole trip unbelievably good. The drives there and back were pretty uneventful and I drove the whole way both ways, which I was fine with cuz my friends suck at driving.

We got there and we got settled with our newish friend, Nia and a totally new person who was kinda an obnoxious bitch, but tolerable. Then eventually Bri and Jess show up with Andy. After they got there we started blasting music and played with glow sticks and started doing some shit and having fun. Then we went to our 1st party of the night and we met some people who went to high school with us and stayed there for an hour or so. Then we went to a kegger where this cool band playing and a ton of people and stayed there for another hour or so, but only Steph and I were having a blast, but we met some other people there who were throwing there own party later which we went to after a quick return to their apartment. We spent about 6 hours at that last party and got kinda fucked up, but I ended up drinking far less than I would have expected. At that party there was this guy who had these gloves with flashing colored lights at the ends of these gloves and in the dark they provided an AWESOME light show. haha, and the same guy also gave a couple of us in the group fantastic back massage. We just chilled there for a few hours and various other things happened, but some areas are kinda fuzzy.

The next day everyone but me slept in till 2, i got up at and just watched TV. We saw some more old friends and met some new ones when they came over that afternoon and we played Wii and just chilled. That night we went to this frat party that was surprisingly small and kinda lame. Beer pong was fun though we lost. Then we sang happy birthday for the guy whose party it was, but one of his frat brothers cake slammed him really hard and busted a couple of his teeth. So that party died and we went back to the apartment and had our own chill party and had an early night, well, 2 am, which is early for there. This mornig we got breakfast and said a teary goodbye, but we have plans on going back in almost exactly a month when we will go to this amazing gay club in El Paso and more fun stuff. I cant wait. I miss those friends so much and I have such a good time when I'm down there with them.

I have been kinda pissy since I got home cuz I was so much happier there, but if I was there a lot longer I would have got annoyed being around so many people. I wanted to meet this one gay friend of theirs, but I never had the chance. Maybe next time. So tomorrow I will just get ready for school and whatever.

I have taken like 2 hours to work on this cuz I am watching the Grammys and I keep getting distracted.
Post again soon!
~Anton

Going out of town

2011-02-10T21:02:00.003-07:00

Hey guys. I just wanna give you a quick update, cuz I still have to pack. This weekend 2 of my friends and me are going to Las Cruses to see some of our old high school friends who go to school there. I am really excited.
This past week has been pretty good. We had Stephs 19th birthday party and I have just seen a bit of my friends and had school. I had my 1st test in Macroeconomics and I am pretty sure I aced it.
BORN THIS WAY by Lady Gaga premiers tomorrow!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited!
Um... thats all I can think of now. But I gotta go pack now, so I will update you all after I get back. Sorry, if its a but boring on here lately
~Anton

Land of Ice and Death

2011-02-01T19:40:00.002-07:00

So the past 24 hours or so has been interesting.

Last night I met up with all my friends to go see The Rite and have a sleep over. First off, The Rite wasnt even scary and hardly interesting. Country Strong was much better. Then we say in a Mexican restaurant for like an hour from about 11 to midnight. We downloaded this really cool app on out phones though called Zombie Run. It tracks your gps location and it has zombies chase you and you have to run away. So we kinda played around with tat for a bit.

Then we went back to my friends and just hung out for a while. I got up at my usual time to go to school and I showered and all that. But New Mexico is having this insane cold spell, tonight we are getting well below 0, and the roads were super icy. But I decided to go to my other friend who i carpool with and 1/2 way there (its like a mile from one friends house to the other) I hear UNM is on a 2 hour delay, so I go back and get on Tumblr for 2 hours. Then about the time Im supposed to go in for the delay I decide to wane my friend up so she can lock up behind me. So after I start my car and almost fall on my face on the way there from the ice, I get a text message from UNM saying it has been canceled, so I go back in and try to sleep, cuz I couldn't really last night, but that didn't happen.

SO we kinda get ready and by that time the roads are clear and we go get breakfast and do a bit of shopping and all of us are in super mean bitchy moods, which made for interesting conversations. We then go and hang out some more and play a game we made last year, which was pretty fun.

By about 6 the streets were really icy and terrifying. A lot of them are now closed and it took about 40 minutes to drive the 10 or 15 miles to my house. I say so many cops and wrecks, it was exciting and terrifying all at once.

Oh, and my stupid school district that I graduated from last year was the only one in the metro area to not close and from what I heard there was over $50,000 in damage done to student and staff cars from the horrible conditions. I do not miss that place at times like these.

I am loving having alone time at home to just be with myself, I have been with people for so long :P My friend is trying to convince me to add this one bi boy of facebook that she thinks would get along well with me, but idk... it seems weird.

So yeah, I though I would share my interesting day.
~Anton

Onto February

2011-01-31T13:42:00.002-07:00

Hey!
So things have been... odd. I have lots of free time, but I feel like I have very little time to get things done that I need too. I reeeally need to write my resume to apply for this summer internship, but it sounds like soooooo much effort.

I;m getting ready to start looking for a job, but the fact that I have so much spending money at the moment is discouraging me from looking. But I will, soon.

I found out John has a tumblr. I kinda wanna follow him to make it reeeeally awkward, but I could see a lot of drama coming out of me having any contact with him.

I have been considering renting a house with a couple of my friends this fall, but I don;t know if I could handle being around them so much. I love them, I just need a lot of completely alone time. Also, I want to save money for when I move out of the state after college, and possibly out of the U.S. at some point.

Apparently one of you are old friends with Jordan and found him again from my Tumblr account, so thats pretty nifty. :) When he told me it was a "Whoa, small world" moment.

Tonight I am going to see The Rite with my friends. I think it looks terrifying, and it is hard to scare me.

Thats about all the news here.
ttyl :)
Anton

New and Old

2011-01-24T19:27:00.002-07:00

Hello! Sorry I am not posting on her as much as I have in the past. Ive been busy and to be honest, Tumbler is what I am more interested in. But at least for the time I will keep this cuz I like using it as a journal.

So school is pretty good. My Astronomy class is huge but the professor tries to feep in interesting. Macroeconomics is possibly my favorite, every example he gives of an economic situation involves alcohol and hos. And this guy is like 80 and swears every other word but he is also very good at explaining everything. My Sociology teacher is really hot and the subject is really interesting. My Statistics teacher is a twice devoiced ex-military ass hole. But the subject is really easy, i have the class with one of my old friends who was one of my 1st real friends in New Mexico and there is a cute boy in the class. Linguistics is hell. its at the end of the day, the teacher is boring and awkward and the material is tedious and pointless. I am considering dropping it before it is too late... but it counts as an english credit.

I am really into the British version of Skins. I think it is a really interesting show. The American version isnt nearly as good, but I will keep watching it. I am also listening to a lot of music that I used to not even like. A lot of it is punk and I have even downloaded some screamo. not like hardcore screamo, but stuff with it in it. I like a ot of it. Im also listening to a lot of dubstep, and then all my old stuff.

This semester is gonna be a lot like the old one I think, but I don't know. I am kinda lost at the moment and just going with what ever comes my way...

Hope everyone is well
~Anton

New Beginning

2011-01-17T19:09:00.002-07:00

Hello! sorry about my absence for the past 3 weeks. I didnt have much of a chance to post in Utah and I have been working on getting settled back in.
Utah was lots of fun. I got to a lot (but not enough) time with my best friend and I got to know a couple of her other friends. One in particular I really like. I saw a bunch of my other friends too and had fun. My god mother is apparently going through with her move 30 miles north of the city which I can live with, but im not happy about.

Since I got home I have seen a little too much of my friends. 2 of them that I was previously closest too, Jordan and Sonia, have been getting on my nerves relentlessly with their perpetual over happiness and elitestness and secretiveness. But one good thing came out of it. I am totally not interested in Jordan romantically anymore... yay! haha

School starts tomorrow. I cant wait for the new semester. I really need a job, and I will start looking for one very soon.

Sorry this was a short post, but I have a lot to do tonight for school. I will post again soon
Anton

Vacation

2010-12-27T15:29:00.003-07:00

Hello! so I am leaving tomorrow for Utah and I will be gone for 2 weeks. I dont know if I will post at all during that time, but I might. I have stuff set to post itself on my tumblr though.
Yesterday was nice I suppose. We went to a nice restaurant and the Bodies Exhibit for my dads birthday. Today is his actual birthday and he is currently spending it in the waiting room while my mother gets ankle surgery. 9this her like, 13th joint surgery. I went to lunch with my friend and later I am gonna go babysit my friends while they try shrooms. I'm pretty much done backing at this point, but like usual, I know there are like 5 things I'm forgetting.
Anyways, if I don't post for a while, everyone have a good New Years!!!!
<3
~Anton

T'was the night before x-mas...

2010-12-24T14:04:00.002-07:00

hey :)
So I leave for Utah in days! I'm excited. I need a break from my life here... being in one place continually for more than a couple months doesn't really suit me.

I have been so exhausted lately and I haven't been able to get to sleep till like 3 so I end up getting up at 11 at the earliest. i hate it! I have also been feeling alone today. i want someone to just spend the whole day with but none of my friends are really what I'm looking for. I kinda want someone new.

I got all my christmas shopping done the other day and spent way more than I would have liked, but I guess I will live.

I don't plan on doing much for christmas besides lunch with my family and maybe seeing a friend or two. And Im not gonna really be grtting anything cuz I got my phone earlier. The 26th i think I'm spending the day with my parents in celebration of my dads birthday. The 27th my mom is getting ankle surgery and that will be fun. I have plans to have lunch with my friend during that, cuz I think both of need someone to talk to. My other friends are trying shrooms that day. If it wasnt for my mom getting surgery, my fear of alienating certain people I really care about and me leaving the day after for Utah, I would probably try 1/2 an ounce or so with them. But I have decided I wont. I have always been curious about them though. Even my mom recommended them. Then the 28th I am leaving and my grandma is getting in to take care of my mom. I am so happy I will totally miss her both here and in Utah.

Last night I went to see the lights at the botanical gardens with my friends. It was really beautiful!!! Today I feel like being alone. Well, not really. But given what options for people that I do have to be with, I would choose being alone.

I am hopefully read a lot over my trip to Utah. I have a lot to do there and not enough time!
Anyways, imma go on a walk now... ttyl!
~Anton

Advice from the Other Side

2010-12-18T14:30:00.004-07:00

Hello!
So I have been up to quite a lot since my last post. Finals are 100% done, although I still have an essay to write. I really doubt my ability to write it though because I have a good grade in the class already and it seems like a lot of work that i reeeeally dont wanna do for 5%-10% of my whole grade. so far i know i got an 86% in one class and a 96% in another, so I am doing fine.

Me and a couple of my friends had an end of the semester party friday and it was really good cuz it was just me and a couple that im really close to. The morning after we woke up to a beautiful rain storm. We went down town and we all had a session with a psychic. As far as they go, she was very good. I dont particularly believe in it and she missed a lot of really big things, she had lots of good advice. She identified the majority of my pain and misery as my parents, she knew the best years of my life where i could truly express my creativity and skills was from 7 and back (when I was in Salt Lake City), she knew I liked history and anthropology and social sciences, she knew when i wasn't believing her and a whole bunch of other things she shouldn't have know. Also, she was like waiting for us when we went up and its almost like she was expecting us.
She told me that I need to find a better place for healing cuz I am so damaged and that I need to not be so hard on myself and I should stop telling myself I am not deserving. She said I need to stop trying to live up to peoples standards cuz that will really hurt me and that I need ways to express my creativity and skills that I have become dissociated with. When I asked her about love/romance she said I need to stop trying so hard, stop looking, and learn to love myself more first. She also said that she could clearly see one of the people I am in love with as if he was sitting next to me... and he was. Jordan was there, it was kinda awkward, but i dont think he noticed anything odd. She said my "twin flame" is current walking the earth and to not give up.
So then both Jordan and our other friend went, but for our other friend, Jordan and I went to go get coffee at the biggest hipster coffee shop in Albuquerque. By then the rain was turning to snow, which was super exciting! I plan on seeing her again, probably alone, before school starts.

After we got done with that we went to this cool metaphysical store I have been to once before and then back to Jordans. Up where we live there was much more snow, so we got all our snow gear on and went out to the golf course to play. We rolled these giant snow balls that were 3-4 feet in diameter and weighed well over 100 pounds. With them we made a fantastic, but incomplete snow fort. After that, we went sledding on some of the hills. Over all, it was a pretty amazingly fantastic day.

Yesterday I had a snow ball fight with Luis, who I saw earlier in the week too. I like being able to see him occasionally again. That evening I got together with several of my friends, most of whom live out of town or I just dont see often. We went to go see the Black Swan. It was a great movie!!!

Umm... thats about all I can think of. Oh yeah, DADT was repealed. I'm one of those few gays who didnt mind it cuz I really dont wanna be in the military ever, but yay for those who do care! I was so much more pissed that the Bush tax cuts got extended 2 years or that the dream act is going down than happy about this. Obama is a spineless failure of a president and the Senate leadership sucks and the democrats are just getting thrown around by the republicans. Its such bullshit, but whatever...
I know im missing stuff in there, and could think of more to say if my mind wasnt so foggy from allergies.
Have a good day!
~Anton

1 YEAR ON BLOGGER!!! XD

2010-12-14T13:42:00.004-07:00

Hey! so today is my 1 year anni. on blogger and it is also the 1 year anniversary of my most amazing and perfect dog passing away.

Today was my BIG day for finals. Now I only have one left tomorrow and an essay to write and I will be DONE for a whole month! I go t like 2 hours of sleep last night so I took a concerta to get me through the day, but mostly it made me dizzy and nauseous. But I am fairly certain I will pass all my classes and keep my scholarship.

My grandmother friend requested me on facebook today. It kinda took me off guard, but my mother forbade me to add her because of all the profanity i use and all my gay stuff (my grandma is mormon). Also my god mother it thinking about moving for the 2nd time in 3 years, but I doubt she will go through with it. so always goes through odd phases. But if she does it wont be more than 20 or so miles. She really gets on my nerves a lot, which i feel guilty for because I owe most of the good stuff in my life to her, but ever since her partner died she hasn't been the same.

I have some money again! I got $100 from my parents for Mickolosh, which i am sure is spelled wrong, but it is the Czech christmas basically, and we celebrate it in the forst week or two of December because I am seldom home for actual Christmas, and then I have also been selling back my text books to UNM. I am gonna try to keep up my no spending streak though.

I am really thinking about applying for a billion scholarships and grants for next year or the year after and going to a school in New England for a semester or a year. probably Boston University, because I have connections there thanks to the NSLC and it is a good school.

I have reestablished contact with all 4 of my friends that i have been growing distant with, although i dont see any of them being what they were. I also made some new friends! Both were from this online website, Stickam. One is this really cool druggie kid who is one of the most interesting people i have ever met and he is really sweet and actually smart. The other is this younger kid who just seems to be totally lost with life and is having problems, so I am just kinda there as a distraction. Im kinda lost myself while my BFF is in Brazil... but I could be worse.

So that about all the news.

I want to thank all of you for helping me out so much over the past year and I am really proud to have 87 followers!!! And of course all my phantom readers. I plan on being here at this tome next year. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

And dont forget about my tumblr and formspring links on the side!!! I need tumlbr followers and I love having questions on my formspring. And comments are always welcome on here!!! Haha, im done advertising myself now. :)

Im memoriam:

1995-Dec 14, 2009.
Shasta, the dog I will forever and always love above all others. I miss you baby!!! :'(
<333333
Haha, writing that ^ made me cry.

Finals

2010-12-09T18:04:00.002-07:00

Haaaaay!

So things have been quite hectic with the semester wrapping up. I finished one class today and I have 3 finals next week along with a portfolio to put together and an essay to write and a bunch of data analysis. I will be very happy when it is all over! But I have a month long break to look forward to. Today at school I got into an argument with some dumb fuck Jehovah's Witnesses about evolution and being gay. I took some of their coffee and disproved like all of their points and had a damn good time doing it.

I went ahead with the bringing my friend some booze thing and it went well. We had a nice day together and she really enjoyed it. I'm not sure what her plans with her BF are at this point. The same day my other friend from my normal group that my stupid friend gave up for her BF asked us both to come and help her with a test. It was the 1st time we have all been together since August. It was kinda awkward but nice at the same time. I dont know what the future holds in that respect.

Yesterday I was planning on hanging out with Jordan but he decided to go on a date with this one guy later in the day, and then had the nerve to text me about how great he was which was fucking annoying. i am debating if I plan on spending any time with him and my other friends this weekend. So after that let down I went to the queer straight alliance at UNM which was fucking boring cuz there are now only like 30 or so people that go now, compared to the 100+ at the beginning of the semester and all the ones left are so god damn annoying!!! But I didnt wanna go home and I though I might find someone of interest, but no such luck There was a white elephant gift exchange though. I got a Princess sash, 5 condoms and some yummy chocolate. They also had elections, so hopefully now there will be some better stuff going on at the meetings.

I TALKED TO LUIS FOR LIKE 2 WHOLE MINUTES TODAY! haha, its been since August since I talked to him... He is still quite adorable, but I need to hang out with him some more... bleh.

i have decided I am going to ask this kid I met on connexion who lives in Utah on a date while I am there this break. I totally expect him to say no, but just asking is a step for me.

Thats about it.
<3
~Anton

Reoccurring Insanity

2010-12-04T16:33:00.002-07:00

A week and a half until finals. I dont know where this first semester of college went. I have a lot to do before it is over.

The bulk of the week was relatively uneventful. Early on I got an Android smart phone and I love it. Thursday there was a cool local business-craft fair thing at UNM and I got a really really cool necklace thingy. I decided that besides food and christmas presents I am not allowing myself to buy anything else till a make at least $200, from either my christmas money or from the job I intend on getting in spring.

Yesterday we had a mud hut party though. I haden't been drunk in almost 5 weeks, so i enjoyed drinking a bit. I tried a little spice in addition to the booze and the effect was amazing! Jordan came over about 4 or 5 hours before everyone else and I helped give him a Mohawk. Then we went down to Central (main street Albuquerque) and went to the Flying Star (best restaurants in New Mexico). He also invited this one guy he was supposed to go on a date with to meet us there which kinda annoyed me, but I also wanted to meet him, but he didn't come. There was also a cute waiter there and Jordan almost asked for his number, but I convinced him not to by pointing out all of his flaws so Jordan lost interest... cuz I'm awesome like that!

We then went to Urban Outfitters and ran into Jordan's adorable little hipster-indie lesbian friend and hung out with her for an hour or so... she was really awesome! Jordan annoyed my by referring to me as his date twice while we were with her... He was definitely taunting me with what I cant have, Then we waited around for Jordan's ex-best friends douchey boyfriend to get off work so we could buy ADHD meds from him that are a miracle for studying and paying attention. Then we headed back to my house and met up with our other friends.

I need to get my wisdom teeth out soon too. I'm like a yearish late getting around to it and my piece of shit mom was supposed to get me into the dentist for a consult in november, but that didnt happen and now i wont have time between now and when I go to Utah.

My sleep pattern has been really fucked up lately. I have been alternating between sleeping 3-4 hours and then sleeping 11-12 hours. I HATE it! I have also been having lots of bad dreams. There was that one about my dad drinking again, then there was one where Jordan fell in love with me and I was happy... until I woke up. And then there was an odd one where Kyle (you may remember him as a friend my group had in the spring) came back into the group. I also have been feeling really really fat lately, and I cant think of any healthy ways to solve this problem that I have the motivation for....

I have almost seen Luis a couple times this past week, but I have yet to hang out with him. IDK if I like him or Jordan more, all I know is I dont have a chance with either of them, and Im thankful I'm not as obsessed with them as I was with John. I want them equally as bad though.

I am planning on giving some alcohol to my friend who left the group because she didnt wanna do 'bad things' anymore. Since her boyfriend made her decide that she has been absolutely miserable cuz she has no friends and she wants to smoke and drink again. Not only did her emotionally abusive boy friend make her give up things she likes, but he continues to chew tobacco. So I have decided im going to get her just slightly buzzed, then she will tell her BF and he will get all pissy and hopefully it will expedite their imminent break up. I want him to lose the thing that means most to him cuz he is such an ass, she deserves to be totally alone for what she did to all of us. Then hopefully in a month or so we can maybe even accept her back into the group cautiously, but without the source of her corruption, she could maybe be our friend again. Yes, I am aware I'm an awful selfish person.

So I guess thats about all it.
Loves yas
~Anton

Alone

2010-11-27T18:37:00.004-07:00

Today has been lonely. Yes, I spent last night with friends and yes I have been talking to people for most of the day, but it has still been fucking lonely. I have been missing everyone. Old friends, friends from other states, my best friend, Jordan who's in Texas, Sonia who is behind on school work from being sick, Steph who has been working her ass of to support herself because her father wont help out his lesbian daughter, Luis, my godmother, how people were before they changed, people I have made up in my own insane head and now Bri and Jess, who I said goodbye to yet again today. The faces of my past and even those of my present are haunting me. To what I can attribute this, I have no idea.
Besides this I have been better than miserable, even happy at some points. One of the people I miss came back in my life today when she text me, although nothing will ever be the same again.

Black friday shopping was enjoyable and I spent very little money, and what I did spend, i spent on movies I really wanted. I am kinda broke though and I'm considering another job. And I have to do X-mas shopping for my friends... bleh.

I just got back from seeing Inception for the 2nd time with my dad and our neighbor. I dont know what the fuck possessed me to do such, because I hate spending time with my father, and our neighbor annoys me when he gets together with my dad. I have also come to the conclusion that my prior assertions that I wont cry at my fathers funeral, were false. I now believe that there will be tears in my eyes when that man dies. Tears of joy. Every second I am in his presence shreds the very fabric of my soul. Sober or not, I hate the man.

I briefly saw Luis in parson today, I didnt talk to him, but I did at least get to confirm that he is not just a figment of my imagination. Unless of course my frustration with not seeing him for months has driven me to hallucinations. I had a brief exchange with his brother though... nothing exciting. I am curious to what they have heard about me from other sources. I'm sure somebody in the world has outted me to them. They are some of the last people to know. I would have told them if I ever saw them anymore. And they are friendly with John, so I am curious to see how badly he has been dragging my name through the mud.

So here are some things of more artistic value than my ramblings. I feel like these songs apply to an extent in some aspects of my life, and I'm not exactly sure why i wrote the other thing, but there it is.

We hunt for peace within ourselves and seek out love where ever else. I fight for you, but to no avail. Without your touch, my happiness will cease, and my will to live flies away like a flock of wild geese. I crave your heart, but should that fail, i'll accept my place within this hell.

I like the last part of this song a lot.

January would be more accurate. I miss January. But I <3 Taylor!

~Anton

What is your biggest regret of the past year? What would you say is your biggest accomplishment? What will your new year's resolution be? (I know, it's early for this but I wanted to ask before I forgot)

2010-11-27T11:47:00.001-07:00

Biggest Regret(s): Falling outs with Kyle, Brit, IttyK and IttyK's sister, Taking John to prom, *that* party, Not having a boy friend, Ben, I could list quite a lot here, but those are the main ones

Biggest Accomplishment(s): Continuing to come out of my shell, making new friends, graduating, starting college and getting a job.

New Years Resolution(s): Continue becoming a person i like better than the old me.Nothing really specific though...

Ask me anything

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T17:19:00.004-07:00

Or... as I posted on facebook: "Happy steroid-injected, overly processed, genetically modified, unethically raised, cross contaminated turkey day that signifies the relationship we had with the native people 400 years ago that ended in a genocide and continues to produce social problems."
Haha, cuz I clearly always look on the bright side of things! Anyways, today has been relaxing. I have been hanging out a lot, and very late with my friends so I'm happy to have a down day. Jordan isn;t her for thanks giving and I hate not having him here, seeing as hes one of those 3 irreplaceable people in my life, and this is just a taste of what it will be like when he leaves in a few months for Texas... Whish will be really hard on me and Sonia.

Tomorrow I am gonna do a bit of Black Friday shopping, but I'm limiting myself to $50, which will be difficult for me.

I have been thinking about getting snake bites (lip piercings) for a while. I would just have 2 small studs on each side, and now my friends are trying to force me to get them, and even talked to the person who might do it about getting it done, but I havent decided 100% yet if i want them. I'd prefer my tattoo, but I'm waiting for some more money for that...

I have been some what of an emotional wreck when I am alone lately, except for today, and I have these sudden onsets of misery and its really no fun.
In other news, 5 must see movies I have watched recently:
1. Harry Potter 7 (duh)
2. Girl, Interrupted
3. Howl's Moving Castle
4. Spirited Away
5. Hard Candy

I have considered switching my major to pharmaceutics. Pharmacists make so much money, and they dont have an incredibly hard job. Its more chemistry than I would like, but I think it might pay off in the end.

Anyways, I gotta go do stuff with my neighbors now. They are coming over for Thanksgiving desert. I really wish Luis was among the neighbors coming over. I miss seeing him a lot.
~Anton

High School Reruns?

2010-11-23T17:03:00.003-07:00

Hello! So today was my last day of school for the week, Yay Thanksgiving break!! My red hair has kinda turned pink and I like it quite a bit :) I saw Harry Potter and it was AMAZING!!! I cried twice during it :P
3 of my friends who moved away for college are back in town and we all hung out last night. It felt exactly like the old days in high school!!! I miss it and I miss them, Its gonna be a fun week with them visiting.
I'm kinda in a rush, so I'm not really going into depth on anything... haha.
I'll post more detail soon
~Anton

HAIR

2010-11-19T18:48:00.003-07:00

I got a haircut today.... I got these certificates for $50 at this place last month and decided to use one today. I had this funny gay hair dresser and had some interesting conversations with him. It was a better price than my usual place, $75 ($25 with my certificate) and it took my average 3 hours... I really changed my look though! I like it.

so... yeah :)

I failed...

2010-11-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

Start at 100% and subtract 1% for everything you’ve done.
1. Smoked.
2. Drank alcohol.
3. Cried when someone died.
4. Been drunk.
5. Had sex.
7. Been to a concert.
7. gotten/given a handjob.
8. gotten/given a blowjob.
9. Been verbally/sexually harassed.
10. Verbally/sexually harassed somebody.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 91%
11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
15. Been to prom.
16. Cried at school.
17. Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
18. Went streaking.
19. Given or receieved a lap dance.
20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 83%
21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sex’s house.
23. Kissed a stranger.
24. Hugged a stranger.
25. Went scuba diving.
26. Driven a car.
27. Gotten an x-ray.
28. Hit by a car.
29. Had a party.
30. Done serious drugs.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 77%
31. Played strip poker/darts.
32. Got paid to strip for someone.
33. Run away from home.
34. Broken a bone.
35. Eaten sushi.
36. Bought porn.
37. Watched porn.
38. Made porn.
39. Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
40. Been in love.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 72%
41. French kissed.
42. Laughed so hard you cried.
43. Cried yourself to sleep.
44. Laughed yourself to sleep.
45. Stabbed yourself.
46. Shot a gun.
47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
50. Watched an animal die.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 64%
51. Watched a person die
52. Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.
53. Pranked somebody
54. Put somebody in the hospital.
55. Snuck into someones room and/or your own room after being out.
56. Kissed somebody of the same sex.
57. Dressed punk.
58. Dressed goth.
59. Dressed preppy.
60. Been to a motocross race.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR; 58%
61. Avoided somebody.
62. Been stalked.
63. Stalked someone.
64. Met a celebrity.
65. Played an instrument.
66. Ridden a horse.
67. Cut yourself.
68. Bungee jumped.
69. Ding dong ditched somebody.
70. Been to a wild party.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 50%
71. Got caught stealing something.
72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
74. Gone out with your friends crush.
75. Got arrested.
76. Been pregnant.
77. Babysat.
78. Been to another country.
79. Started your house on fire.
80. Had an encounter with a ghost.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 46%
81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.
82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you’d be asked out by.
83. Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over or 3 months.
85. Sat on your butt all day.
86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
87. Had a job.
88. Gotten cut from a sports team.
89. Been called a whore.
90. Danced like a whore
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 39%
91. Been mistaken for a celebrity.
92. Been in a car accident.
93. Been told you have beautiful eyes.
94. Been told you have beautiful hair.
95. Raped somebody.
96. Danced in the rain.
97. Been rejected.
98. Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.
100. Been raped.
Total: 33%

The boy, The girl, the end. (A 'borrowed' story)

2010-11-14T01:28:00.006-07:00

As the story goes: They were the only ones who could make each other feel that way. She was beautiful and could have whoever she wanted. She chose him. He offered her everything, and could never stand to see her sad. His smile would light up her life. He was a brilliant student, and recieved a job offer from one of the highest after only a year in the academy. He was the best of the best, and she was right behind. But it was that man who pulled him up. The man whose touch turned everything dark. The man who never cared about anything except being on top. The boy accepted the dark man's request, but not for himself. It was always for her. He wished to make the world better. A world where he would never have to see her tears again. He knew she would have to hate him for his path, but he was willing to give it up. He promised himself he'd return to her. He knew she would forgive him once he explained everything. Even if he hated that man, he would keep her in mind. That man's course was the one he had to take for her. He went along with everything the man told him to do. When the time came, he ordered the one beneathe him to attack her, but not to kill her. He knew she would never forgive him until he could see her again. She didn't understand. She had done everything he'd ever wanted. Now it seemed as though he had betrayed her. Why would he do such a thing? Had he never loved her? Had every word he'd spoken been a lie? Her heart was broken, but she carried on. She could not let herself fall. She thought that if she could talk to him, she could bring him back. When the moment was right, she tried. He pushed her back. He didn't want her to get hurt by that terrible man. He knew that if she tried to help him, the man would hurt her. He wouldn't let her get hurt. She could never understand it. She didn't understand until the end. Until it was too late. She would have been able to bring him back, she thought. She knew. She would have been able to, but he had never left. He'd always been with her. And in the end he tried to rebel against that man. He saw that if he let the man go on, she would end up dead. He couldn't let that happen. He tried to steal the man's powers, and he thought he did. But then the man returned. The man returned, and he left. He was gone. She saw all of this, and went to his side. His eyes had finally opened, and then they had closed again. He didn't see her tears, but they came. He wanted to tell her why he had hurt her, but he couldn't. He didn't have to. She already knew. She knew that the last years she had hated him for nothing. He was doing it for her. He wouldn't want her to be sad now, but she couldn't help it. He was gone. The boy who had given her everything, the boy she had given everything too, the boy who had been the only one for her, the boy that she had been the only one for. He was everything to her. Now everything was gone.
Their fairytale never had a happy ending. It was never meant to.
That man destroyed it all.

Personal annotations/additions: At times the ferocity and anger of the girl against what the man was doing were so great that the man feared that if she ever caught him, she could have destroyed him out of pure hatred combined with the love she had for the boy.
No matter how much the boy tried to protect her in his fight against the man, he seemed to have caused her irrevocable harm. Perhaps more than even the man himself could have caused. What would have happened if he had never resisted? Would he still be her everything? Would she still be his? Would she still be utterly whole, not the damaged being the battle between the boy and the man left her as? Would all things in the world still be as they were meant to be? Would mistakes be unmade? Who was this man even? Was he really that bad? Or just cause harm with no intentions of such? Alas, neither the boy nor the girl will ever get these answers, because the man DID destroy it all.

This story brought tears to my eyes. I dont know if it was the magnificence of how it was written, the genuine emotion put into, how accurate it is or how personal it is, but it is honestly one of the most moving stories I have yet come across. It definitely puts things in perspective and indicated that fixes were possible.

Thank you.

2010-11-13T18:59:00.003-07:00

Today I had coffee with a friend and had a good conversation. I haven't had an opportunity to talk about recent things in my life with anyone for a while, so it was enjoyable, and doing such helps me put things in perspective. I was supposed to go to a drag show at UNM tonight, but everyone I was interested in was busy.

Its been a failry relaxing weekend though... I need to do homework thugh. :(

I was compelled earlier to go through some old e-mails from some friends. I've said it before, but NOSTALGIA SUCKS! Anyways, these are from Aug/Sept, 2009, about 6 months before things with some people really started falling apart..

A: ,('o'),
C: cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute
A: i know! right?
C: not you, the face!
A: its a fish, not a face, and yes me too
C: how the hell is that a fish? and no you aren't
A: ITS A FUCKING FISH!!!! AND I AM SO!!!
C: okayyyyy... And no you aren't, unless you are comparing your self to, say, Michael Jackson.
buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn
A: well, hagrid is sexy compared to you!!!
C: ooooh buuuuuurn....
A: no, true......
C: what?
A: nm...
C: you are weird! i hate you! go to hell!
A: ok, see u there!!!! =D
C: kaleidescopes!
A: omfg! yesssss!
C: love em!
A: and sneekoscopes r cool too!
C: hahaha yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup
A: yay!

I have lost 4, once very important, relationships in the past few months, and I certainly miss them, but I'm not sure if they will ever be meaningful again, or even if I want (at least 2 of them) to be reestablished. Its definitely a price paid from growing older and the different paths everyone chooses. At least I have 5 very good friends as of now. We'll see what happens with these 4 though... Hopefully I'll know about 2 after Thanksgiving and the other 2 after new years.
~Anton

Rate My Life?

2010-11-11T19:50:00.002-07:00

This is all from a website that I took this quiz on today...

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4.7
Mind:	4.4
Body:	6.1
Spirit:	4.5
Friends/Family:	3.2
Love:	1.4
Finance:	4.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Your Life Analysis:

Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score is on the low end. Making key changes to different aspects of your life will bring you greater fulfillment. Do not be discouraged. Seek help outside yourself if need be. There is always time to change, and change will bring many rewards.

Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is rather low, which means that your mental state is not in tune. Learn to filter out the noise of everyday life. Unplug, relax, read a good book. Take up a new area of study. Simplify and focus your mental energy and your mind function will improve.

Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. Your body score is fairly average, which means there is room for improvement. Keep a focus on your physical health. Protect your body as it is your most valuable physical asset. Nutrition, stress reduction, and exercise are key.

Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. You seem to be lacking in spirit. Improve your score by refining your beliefs and searching for answers to philosophical questions. Consider new belief systems if your current beliefs are not rewarding you.

Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. Your friends and family score suffers, yet it does not need to be this way. Strengthen your social network by reaffirming old bonds. Seek out new friendships, and they will provide you the reward you need.

Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. Your love score is very low, indicating trouble. There is love out there for you. Seek the advice of wise people on how to go about finding it. Do not lose hope.

Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. Your financial score indicates some trouble. Raise your score over time by making changes which will lead to greater prosperity in the future. Be sure to live within your means today.

Endless Week

2010-11-09T21:31:00.005-07:00

All day I have thought it has been Thursday, which is the last day of my week. I find this distressing.
It has been an alright week though so far. School has been pretty average and things seem to be going pretty well in all my classes. I LOVE my World Cultures teacher!!!!
Tomorrow I'm wearing my FCKH8 shirt, so I'm pretty excited about that. If you dont know what FCKH8 is google it and watch their "Straight talk about gay marriage" video. I'd post it but I bet almost everyone has seen it and it might get old after the 20th time watching, but if you havent seen it, its really good.

Let see. Luis took state for track which is pretty exciting! I havent seen him in way too long though. I have yet to give up on my suspicions he is gay.
Then someone told this one kid at school who I have always hated just how much I hate him. I explained why this is to to a friend on facebook earlier and it went something like this:
"I dont know who doesnt know that i dislike him. he is a pathetic attention whore who pretends to be gay and have amnesia because he cant find any way for any one to even talk to him unless he is differant or disabled in some way because hes so god damn pathetic and whiney and annoying to talk to under any normal circumstance!!
haha, sorry. I'm done."
But its true. And I have no problem being an ass. i honesty couldn't care less that knows i despise him other than he is at all sorts of gay events. But I'm the king of awkward situations so it wont stop me!

There are kinda plans to go see my friends in Las Cruses in a couple weekends, but honestly I dont want to go. Its too time consuming and costly to travel that far and kinda stressful. Plus I know they are replacing us with people there, as we are replacing them up here and i don't have the resolve to keep up dissolving relationships when I have the minimum of meaningful friendships I need, and I have far more than the minimum at the moment. And their ugly annoying gay friend who I have NEVER had contact with added me on facebook and tried to talk to me the other day and I ignored him cuz it kinda creped me out.

My car is a piece of shit and pissed me off yesterday so I kinda kicked it and it has a dent in it. My parents are convinced i was hit in a parking lot. I'd feel guilty if my mom didnt work at a car place and can get it fixed super easy. I used to have a really bad temper and that behavior would have been normal, but not so much anymore. I just had a bad day yesterday.

Oh, and I basically got rid of all my links on the side. They annoyed me though, and I still have "blogs I follow" on the sidebar.
~Anton

Quick Business

2010-11-05T21:47:00.010-06:00

First off, I did start a tumblir... http://poisonspring.tumblr.com/
SO FOLLOW IT!!!! ...or not, but it would be cool if you did. A lot of my friends have really great tumblrs and they would be worth following too. I am not posting this URL on that site because this one I'm keeping open as my 'journal' which I'm not entirely cool with my friends like Jordan to have access to (considering I talk about him a fair amount on here.
I will keep this one up though, I will probably just post on the other one a lot more and have a wider variety of things I'm going to share on it. And I'm pretty sure what I wrote for my 1st post is about as long as those posts will get.

AND! here is my award winning tinkerbell costume that I have been asked to post on here, :) god I need a haircut.

Resurrection

2010-11-03T17:14:00.002-06:00

So I am back from the Dead. I know it has been FOREVER since I posted, but with work and all I have not had the time or interest for anything on the internet with the exception of the occasional facebook or m-mail check in.
Yesterday was the last day of work, seeing as it was the election, and it couldn't come fast enough. By the end i was exhausted, but the money is very welcome, considering I have been spending so much of it lately.
I will spare you most of my ramblings and just give you a short synopsis of whats been up with my life in the past month.
~School. It has taken a lot of my time but I am maintaining fair grades in all of my classes, as far as I know.
~I have seen less and less of my friends because of busy work schedules and stuff, but we are still as close as ever.
~I got a psychiatric evaluation at school and scored high for anxiety and very high for depression. They have referred my to the therapist, but I have yet to have time for that.
~I won the QSA Halloween costume contest...I went as tinker bell. :) Halloween night was fairly uneventful however.
~I finished the BEST book series in the world (The Hunger Games) and as soon as I have enough money I plan on getting a tattoo that is a reference from the book. CAN'T WAIT!
~Joined Connexion, a gay social/dating site... kinda lame. :)
~Broke 2 boys hearts
~Found a boy I'm sure is gay and is super cute. I only saw him like once at Sonic, but imma go back and flirt as soon as I see hes working there again.
~I've met a ton of high profile Democrats...

Ummm... thats about all I can think of now. But im back for now at least.
Love yallll
and I may start posting on Tumblr soon, so stay tuned
~Anton

Lemonade

2010-09-26T17:12:00.003-06:00

Hey! So nothing has calmed down really, but I have made some time in the past couple days to have to myself.

School is slightly less stressful in some aspects, but more so in others. The results from my first test weren't so good... a 72%, but I will actually study better for the next class in that class. Me and my friend who I have school with (and don't like) have made a new friend that we have been hanging out with a bit. We went to his house one day after school because he lives super close to the school. He has some really awesome dogs and we went to a few cool stores, that I need to go back to sometime. One is this new age store that my friends would like, so we will probably go Wednesday instead of going to QSA. One of our co-chairs pissed Jordan off because Jordan said he didn't really like our last meeting on a Facebook discussion board and then was told to "Just stop coming" if he didn't like the meetings. But it was a really awful meeting where the Christians came in and told us they loved us and we were all children of god and kinda shoving their views down one the throats of one of the least Christian groups at school. But I'm sure we will go again soon, just not for a couple weeks. Wednesdays are still gonna be designated as days we all try to get together and hang out. I love my friends so much! haha

I kinda got a job today! I get paid $9 an hour to go door to door for Democrats in New Mexico for the elections in a couple weeks. I'm excited to have a little work, even if its only gonna be for the next couple weeks. I also got registered to vote today. My parents and I went to a harvest festival in Coralles, which is a cool little town. It wasn't so fun, but its will wake my parents happy and probably keep them sober, which they have been. I also went to a family night thing at my dad's aftercare program, which was interesting, and I'm sure it made him feel supported. I still hate him, but the happier he is, the easier life is for me...

I have had one of my infamous change-of-hearts. Daniel has recently started annoying me and I'm back on the look for anything, although I'm really just not that interested in many people. I have also been depressed the past week or so, just thinking about flaws and all sorts of negative stuff, but I think its getting better. These though patterns seem to be pretty cyclical with me.

At a mud hut party we had Jordan and I sat on the roof and talked a lot about a lot of stuff, and it was probably the most intimate (in a non-romantic way) moment I have had with a single person in some time. He said he and some of my other friends are genuinely concerned for me and I explained some of my emotions and how important he is to me and we got a better understanding of each other and he just helped me out a lot. We also talked about less important stuff, but it was a really good experience. The rest of the evening was fun too.
The next day when we were driving around a creepy old man drove up next to us while we were laughing and said something about how we were having a good time, and he had to have fun by himself and started making this jacking off motion, so we laughed awkwardly and drove off pretty quickly.

I got in a fight of sorts with a woman at wal-mart the other night. I was a person or 2 behind her in line, and her credit card wasn't working so a manager had to come over to help the cashier. The whole time the woman was being a bitch to both of them. i got fed up really fast with both her attitude and the slow line, so I picked my stuff up to leave, but before I left i told her " you know, just because you may have had a bad day, that doesn't mean you have to be a cunt to people who are just trying to do their job." and Then I left after a little smile exchanged with the cashier. Then in the parking lot, my box of sodas broke and I had to clean the up from all over and she walked out and just passed me, laughing, to which I told her to go to hell. it was entertaining.

Next weekend my friends and I are going to the Cocorosie concert! I'm so excited! they are so weird! And my friends who moved away are coming for it too! I will post a couple of their songs... So weird!

Umm... I think that is everything. So yeah!
Post again soon...
~Anton

Relentless

2010-09-20T21:56:00.004-06:00

...that's the one word I can give life at the moment. One thing after another keeps turning up. School, homework, friends, clubs... all sorts of stuff. And I need a job but I really don't have time.

I am working on changing my eating habits. I am eating less meat, like 75% of what I usually eat. I used to be a vegetarian, and I may go back to it. I can not support that cruel industry in good conscience though, it is disgusting what we can do to other living creatures. And I am also trying to eat less. i have gained 5 pounds since school started and I am not going to let the freshman 15 conquer me!

Daniel (from QSA) came over Saturday for a Mud Hut. It was just me, him, one of his friends who left before we fell asleep and Stephanie. We drank a bit, not too much though, i promise, and then the two of us fooled around a bit. Not too much though cuz we were both tired. :P I credit anything that happened to the alcohol because I feel like he doesn't like me as much normally, but I don't know, I get mixed signals. He did buy my lunch the next day when we went shopping. :)

Oh, here is a pic of Sam, me (in the middle) and Jordan after the 80s party. haha, Jordan is so hot! And absolutely perfect, and my 2nd favorite person in the world, but we are just friends :P

I am on the 2nd book in the Hunger Games series and they get better and better all the time. I LOVE them!

Hmmm... some people really need to figure out when they have overstayed their welcome in my life. I don't want them there anymore, but they keep making appearances. Its so annoying, but I also don't want to say anything directly because that is tactless.

I'll keep you posted!
~Anton <3

So Tired

2010-09-14T19:46:00.002-06:00

Hello! So college and extracurricular stuff and friends has kept me pretty excessively busy. I'm literally at home for a little more than to sleep, get ready, surf the web for a few hours and sometimes eat. Just a short time ago I couldn't get out of the house enough, but I like it better this way.

So i went to Las Cruces last weekend and had a blast. Rocky Horror Picture Show was great, and there were A LOT of hot gay boys there, several of whom were wearing nothing more than underwear! I'm going next year in costume and I will be even better!! The rest of the trip was... crazy. But fun! I really miss not having all of the group in one place. But its only a 3ish hour drive and could be a lot worse. On the way down my friend that I was going with and me almost became the wicked witch of the west. A semi carrying a mobile home cut me off out of nowhere and nearly crushed us, but fortunately the car I was driving had good breaks, but you could smell the burning rubber for minutes after and I was shaking from the whole thing like crazy.

The boy from QSA and i have been texting a bit and went shopping one day. I think he is just a bit awkward and I get mixed signals from him, but we'll see how things go. I 'might' consider a relationship with him because he is so different than other guys that I'm typically attracted to. Tomorrow we are having an 80s party, so that should be very interesting.

IDK when I will start posting as often as I used to again cuz I am so busy, but I will try to do 2 posts a week or at least one and get all the big stuff in.
~Anton

Stress and Happiness

2010-09-09T00:41:00.002-06:00

Hello!!!!
So, this is my 1st post from my NEW LAPTOP!!!! It is AMAZING! Most of the cost was covered by my godmother, which was incredible helpful. I have been quite miserable with my desktop being broken. Anyways, it has a 17.3" screen, a top of the line sound system, a camera, 500GB hard drive and like a bazillion other amazing features, and it only cost a little over $800, including tax.

School has been absolutely exhausting and I am a bit behind still, but tomorrow is my last day for the week, and it cant come fast enough.

However, today was my 2nd Queer-Straight-Alliance meeting and it was great. We divided into teams and went on a photo scavenger hunt across campus. That was a lot of fun and my team came in 3rd place. There is also a boy there that I was talking to last week, and tonight I got his number and I'll text him a little tomorrow. He is kinda cute and dorky and sweet... I still don't want a relationship, but I would go on a few dates with him and see where things go.
Next week the QSA is having an 80s party, and we are gonna get all dressed up and it should be super fun!

This weekend I am going down to Las Cruces to see my friends down at NMSU and to go to a Rocky Horror Picture Show thing they are having. I cant wait for that!!!

Thats about it. Besides being a little stressed and some people being totally ridiculous, I am a happy camper. Just very very busy.
~Anton

Bitches and Boys

2010-09-02T00:30:00.002-06:00

Hey! short post tonight, cuz its late and I gotta get up early.
~The queer straight alliance thing was great! Tons of cute boys, 2 of which I have a rather strong desire to break up and get with myself, one from my English class and another I flirted with quite a bit. I'll get his number next week. We couldn't find the gay club we wanted to go to, I think its only open Trurs-Sat... and we went to the meeting with one of Steph's friends who happens to be in a wheel chair for a bit, so even if we did find it, we may not have even gone in.
~So this bitch on facebook posted something like "Eew, a lesbian just winked at me, wheres my holy water?" So there is this huge fight on her comment and I post this long thing telling her to fuck off. It was really interesting, and I'd post the whole thing, but the bitch deleted it. Any who, i unfriended her and life's good now, especially cuz shes so butt-hurt about it.
Good night! I love you
~Anton

10 Days Later...

2010-08-31T17:20:00.003-06:00

HELLOOOOO!!!! I wish I could have posted earlier, because I have had a lot to tell. But last week my $1500 computer crashed, I don't have the money to get it fixed, I don't post on the downstairs in case may parents find a link that I would forget to erase to my blog, and I hate using our old laptop... but I needed to post, cuz I feel bad for waiting so long to do so.

The big news: COLLEGE STARTED!!! I like it quite a lot, even though I am stuck with my bitch friend for way too much of it. But she is tolerable and I have 2 amazing professors. The others are okay or crappy, but these 2 make it all worth it. And I like only having classes 4 days a week.

I started a great book called The Hunger Games. Read it! Its great! there are 3 in the series I think.

Jessica's parents who had originally stoped her from moving to Las Crucas for college changed their minds, which is good for her, but a bit sad for me. So now its mostly me Jordan and Sam, but I don't really see them tooo much anymore, which sucks. But its ok, cuz we are still close.

I haven't met a lot of cool new people yet, but I'm working on it. I was quite sick on Thursday and really anti-social in all my classes. But I'm feeling a lot better now!!

Tomorrow I am going to the Queer Straight Alliance meeting with Steph, and I'm excited to meet some potential gay boys there, and they have free food! After that we are gonna go check out a gay club, which I'm even more excited for!

I don't have so much to say right now, cuz I just wanted to catch you all up, but I'll start posting on the laptop, even though I don't like it.

~Anton

Opening the New Chapter

2010-08-20T23:38:00.003-06:00

Hello!!
So things are good! My dad still isn't back from detox and I LOVE not having that piece of shit around. My BFF is getting back from Sweden tomorrow, so I can text her again. I have been seeing Ethan quite a bit, and I hung out with Ben this past week. My friend who moved away for college is back in town this weekend and tomorrow we are gonna celebrate hers and Jordan's birthdays at Olive Garden, hopefully... Its not well planned.haha.

Tomorrow I'm gonna go shopping for school things and the day after I have a freshman thing at UNM and I will hopefully go get my books for my classes. To pay for them I am getting $600 from my godmother and about $300 from my mom, so together I should have a couple hundred more than I need so I will have some spending cash!!! :)

Today I went to a thing at UNM with one of my favorite people ever and I got a ton of free stuff and some good food. It was a blast!

I don't have much more to say, so here are a couple music videos, i guess. :P

Despite what a lot of you think, I LOVE him, here is Adam being fucking gorgeous and awesome.

And I love the 'fuck you' message in this song, yet it comes across as sweet. And Sara Bareilles is absolutely gorgeous and talented.

That's about it. At least as far as big news goes... go FORMSPRING ME!!! haha, or not...
<3
~Anton

The Blood on the Walls

2010-08-16T10:30:00.003-06:00

Hello! So I'm back from taking a break. Life has been chaotic between friends and family stuff.
I haven't been up to too much out to the ordinary myself... I have just been seeing my friends or hanging out at home. One of my friends moved yesterday because she is going to NMSU which is only 4 hours away, but its still sad.
An odd thing happened yesterday. As I was walking gown our stairs I noticed a considerable about of dried blood on the wall. I know it hadn't been there that morning, and I was the only one home for most the day. It was very strange, and it was at different heights on the wall as well...
My dad has been in detox the past 4 days, and has not been missed at all. He can rot in there for all I care. My apathy has greatly annoyed my mom, who still won't take any responsibility for her actions. I am continuing to look for a job and a place to live.
As far as my drinking which was greatly concerned in the last post... I do not think it is excessive, I know I can stop, and I am stopping before school starts anyways. I knew the 2 or so weeks between when I returned from Utah and when people started leaving for college would be a bit crazy... but I have the situation well under control and I am going to stop so I can focus on school, which starts in a week from today.
I am very excited for school... It should be a great experience.
Love you all
~Anton

BUSTED

2010-08-07T22:52:00.002-06:00

FUCK! Well this weekend was total shit. This is gonna be a not so friendly bitchy rant post too. I'm PISSED! and I decided I don't swear enough on here because I swear a lot in real life.

So Thursday things went to hell for Jess who's dad found her pot stash. Shes not in huge trouble, but she killed her trust with him and isn't allowed out of the house too much. That night was fine. The rest of us just watched movies and whatever. Friday morning we all met up to go to the amusement park, and that went fine too. We got tired of the park and really hot so we headed to Jordan's house for our weekend long party that we have been planning forever. I was super excited because John was coming, and I have never partied with him before. There was about 15 of us there, maybe 10 drinking, and it was all pretty normal and relaxed. John, however was taking shots like every round when most of us were only doing 1/2 or 3/4 of the rounds everyone was taking. I was pretty much keeping pace with him and I wasn't really fucked up or anything cuz I'm a heavyweight. John said it took him like 12 to get pretty fucked up, and we both made it to 10, which no one would have let John get to if anyone was paying attention. Well, apparently John is a much lighter weight than he thought and he got TOTALLY SHIT-FACED!
He stared of being normal funny drunk or whatever, and we were kinda cuddled up on the couch watching shark week and it was really nice and whatever. Then he was just getting reckless, and ended up getting in the fucking pool. A couple people were already in there, but there was the shallow end/swimming buddy/only if you are 'tipsy' rule, but John was too fucked up to care. So Bri and I get in with him and are baby sitting him trying to get him slowly to the stairs, but he is a mess and yeah. Oh, and before he got to his worse point and we were in there fucking Madison (who I LOATHE) convinced me and John to make out a bit, and I was not thinking, but then I finally figured out it was wrong. Then eventually John tries to take off my swimming trunks and so I stop him and hes like "Oh, I'm sorry" and whatever and stops. so eventually he kinda starts freaking out and Jordan comes out and we get him out and Jordan talks to him and I* stay on pool duty in case he gets back in cuz I'm coherent enough to do so.
He starts throwing up a bit so we get a bag and move him into the bathroom. He is still freaking out and crying and confessing things he never normally would. So we get him over the toilet and this mother fucker starts like passing out on us and is totally non responsive and were slapping him and splashing water on him to wake him up. No one is nearly as bad as he is, and Bri Sam Jordan and I are taking turns taking are of him, helping him throw up, and feeding him bread and giving him water and what not for 2 1/2 fucking hours and the dumb ass is still not fully functioning.
THEN his fucking curfew rolls around and him moms like "HOME! NOW!" so we're like oh fuck and then shes like "get your ass home or I'm calling the cops up there" so we start panicking a little and text her back that hes on his way. So we get him clothed cuz he was swimming in his underwear and Jordan and I frog-march him home with some others as look outs. His little brother was texting us from inside and was incredibly helpful. So Jordan and I take him in and he still cant walk all that well and his moms yelling down the top of the stairs and sends his brother down and then we hear "Get those boys out of here, your dad's waking up and they don't want to be here for that" so Jordan and I book it out of there back to his house where the others are hiding all the evidence of ANYTHING illegal, and doing a damn good job of it.
We get our cover story together and its really good and whatever, so I text Brittany and tell her what to say if John or Jordan's moms ask anything which is totally not incriminating and super easy and she is all like "Well I don't really want to and as forewarning I will tell the truth if I'm asked" and we are like you fucking bitch, I know there might be some trouble involved, but we wouldn't think twice about helping you out if you needed it, way to be an awesome friend. But no cops are called or anything and we look scott free, so we go to bed.
In the morning Jordan gives him mom the cover story and whatever and we clean up and get ready for tonight. Brittany's little brother tells us her boyfriend, who none of us really like is planning to come over. Without Jordan's permission. So he texts her and is like "Its cool if Nathan comes over, but it would be awesome if you could ask me first" and shes all like " well its your brothers house too, and you guys seem to have a problem hanging out with Nathan, so I have a problem hanging out with all of you" so we are all fuck no,, and Jordan and her get into a big text argument and she is being an irrational bitch who is obviously brain washed by her boy friend. TRUST ME, I looked at this objective. So shes kinda on the outs, but in a couple days I'm gonna try to make peace with her cuz we have a ton of classes together and I feel like I need to for that fact, but not really any other. I'm PISSED at her dumb ass. But anyways, mid-day Jordan gets a call from his mom who had just talked to Johns mom and got the story from her and she is PISSED!! So we are all supposed to go home and Jordan is in DEEP SHIT. But some of us stay anyways and help him out and just vent with him and hang out. Then I take the others who are still left to their cars, call Jess (who has also upset most of us, but I'll perhaps share that story another day) and then I head home.
So out of our group, 2 are moving to another city for college, one is a total bitch, ones in super deep shit, and then 2 of us are whatever. This is not how its supposed to be!!!! I'm starting a search for new friends in college though, so we'll see how that goes.

Before I left for that adventure I found a cooler of beers that belongs to my dad. I FUCKING HATE THAT WORTHLESS FUCKING FUCKTARD!!!!!! I TOLD MY MOM TO NOT GO BACK TO HIS DUMB ASS AND LOOK WHATS HAPPENED OVER THE PAST 2 MONTHS!!! I FUCKING HATE BOTH MY PATENTS!!!!!!!! At least my moms not drinking and my dads hopefully going to detox again tomorrow. I told him this was the one warning they would get and then after that I'm gone forever, and I have talked to my mom about it today too. If he stars again after this detox trip either him or I are gonna leave and IDK where I will go, but it wont be this shit hole. I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!!!! UGH!

So yeah, that's whats up.... I may have forgot something, and I'll post it later if I did but I'm fucking tired and pissed and I'm gonna take a couple shots and watch Pirates of the Caribbean and have a good time./ Don't worry about the alcohol, I'm just stressed as FUCK!
~Anton

The Hottest Man in Existance

2010-08-05T13:06:00.006-06:00

Adam Lambert is probably the most vocally talented artists out there right now. Well... in my opinion. His concert was defiantly one of the best I have ever seen. I could totally go to a few more of them and not complain one bit. I had a surprisingly hard time finding a friend to take however. Everyone who wanted to go was busy and the rest wouldn't go with me. But I finally got one of my friends I haven't seen in like forever to agree to go, and she was a lot of fun. By far the biggest disappointment of the evening was the fact that John really wanted to come, but couldn't because of work. Once we got in the theater my parents went to the balcony and my friend and I went went down to the floor. We got a fantastic spot, 15 or 20 feet from the stage.
Allison Iraheta, who was one on my favorites from the same season of American Idol that Adam was on opened, and she was AMAZING! i loved her cover of Heart breaker too. She really connected with the audience and she is so talented. It was the perfect opening for him.
We pushed our way up a bit more before Adam came out, nearly to the front, and once he came out my mind just exploded with his hotness and amazingness. And his bass player, Tommy, and one of his dancers are REALLY hot too. His outfits were so good and all of his songs really were great. He played a lot of his lesser known ones and he sadly didn't do For Your Entertainment, but everything he did was great, especially Fever, if I Had You and Aftermath. Those two in particular were amazing. He is so sexy! And i was so close to the stage so I was just taking everything in. It was one of the best nights ever, besides John not being there. If he was I would have probably made some kind of move, which would probably be stupid, but it was Adam Lambert so I wouldn't really care. His songs would have created the perfect atmosphere and we would have been so close and it would have been perfect. There were so many adorable gay boys there and I flirted with one a bit, but mostly I just wanted John to be there.
I also got dresses up all cute and got the guy liner on and I just had a good time. I also spent $75 on a ton of his stuff. XD

Here is Adam and Tommy at the concert that I was out. HOT DAMN!!!!!

Other than that I have been seeing my friends mostly. Tomorrow some of us are going to the amusement park in Albuquerque... although its rather pathetic. Then this weekend were spending most of it at Jordan's house and that should be fun. i need to go buy books kinda soon for school, which I'm not looking forward to, but I do want school to start. It should be a lot of fun.

Love you all!
~Anton

Monsters in My House

2010-08-02T18:30:00.003-06:00

Well I'm home. Its not particularly happy for me in any case, but I'll live.
Somewhat to my surprise and disappointment both my parents were home. I though at least one of them would still be in detox, but my dad was sent home the same day because he had really low blood alcohol levels and my mom left early to go to the hospital for heart palpitations. In addition to that, there is a creepy dog in my house. He belongs to my moms friend, and her friends son was supposed to watch him, but he got arrested again, so she offered to take him. He is really creepy and pathetic. I kinda feel bad for him.

My flight back to NM was fine. My neighbors picked me up which we really nice because that means less time with my parents. Besides dinner I have been in my room unpacking most the day. Jess is coming over later to hang out and I'm really excited to see all of my friends! they have been like the only thing keeping me from moving to Utah permanently... and even so, I have a couple good friends in Salt Lake too... Including my best friend.

Tomorrow should be amazing. I'm going to an ADAM FUCKING LAMBERT CONCERT!!!!!!! He's SO fucking hot and amazing and OMFG i can't wait!!! I'm taking Jess and sadly my parents are going to but whatever... its Adam Lambert. I LOVE him!
~Anton

New Developments?

2010-07-30T22:28:00.002-06:00

Hi!
So the visit with the fam was pretty fun. I got better acquainted with some of my 2nd cousins. I really dislike them all, but I had to make an appearance for a little cuz they all wanted to see me. They made it fun for me anyways, so it was okay.
Since then I have been doing most of my usual Utah stuff. I had another big card game and I have been to several movies. Today I saw Diner for Schmucks, it was really good! I also went to Lagoon with one of my friends and some people I didn't really know. Lagoon is an amusement park and they have some pretty good rides and I had a really good time.

My parents are showing they are devoted to changing their ways. Both of them are in detox facilities now and seeing a psychiatrist. My moms been kinda freaking and stuff, and acting really weird, but I think this situation has emotionally scared her. But anyways I'm hopeful this will keep them good at least till I move out. I had to arrange for a neighbor to come get me from the airport cuz there is a good chance they will still be gone when I get back home. I'm kinda excited about possibly coming home to an empty house. It will help me acclimate again. I have lots of parties planed when I get back, an over night trip and a concert. So i prob wont see them much even when they are back... but I will try to be social and at least act forgiving, even though I'm not, just as positive reinforcement.

I also came out to my godmother today and that went well, besides being somewhat awkward, but I always figured it would be just with the kind of relationship we have. Tomorrow I will come out one of the last ones, and then I will be pretty much liberated from hiding behind a mask, except around my extended family. I have a big shopping day tomorrow that I'm quite excited about and I plan on wasting some money!! =D I'm going to have trouble getting everything back home though... there is so much of it!

Love you all lots! I'll post more regularly after I get home sometime.
~Anton

Nostalgia

2010-07-25T10:22:00.003-06:00

...it sucks. It (by definition) reminds me of times when I was happier. When things seemed so much better for me, and I didn't have so much shit to worry about. Its really bitter sweet. The 24th of July in Utah is one of the most powerful days of nostalgia for me. I have never been out of this state for that Holiday, and for the past several years I have had a tradition with my friends (IttyK and her sister) of running around like idiots on that particular day.
In Utah, the 24th of July is 'Pioneer Day' which is just to Mormon name for the day they got their statehood. Anyways, there are spectacular fireworks, much better than the 4th of July, and one of the sites they have always shot them off at is just like 3 blocks from where I grew up. So I usually go up that way and meet my friends (this year it was Just IttyK's sister) and we have a good time at the fireworks show. It was so packed this year! I either never noticed it before, or it was a weekend day or something, but it was really cool.

My best friend left for Sweden a few days ago and I'm going INSANE without her. I usually text her from when I wake up to when I go to bed, and she doesn't have texting over seas so I'm not really sure what I'm going with myself and I'm not sure how well I will handle being home without her for a couple weeks. But we did have a fun day together before she left.

I'm kinda excited to go home cuz I really miss my friends there. I'm sure I'm going to party it up a little bit before 2 of them move down south for college. But I also really don't want to cuz of the whole parents thing. My mom was in the hospital again for conflicting medications, and they tried to keep that little incident from me, but one of my neighbors asked me on Facebook is she was alright, and I told her I had no idea what she was taling about. But my dad says "every things returning to normal quickly" and my mother has been painting the house... so I guess that's a good sign. Apparently a lot of what I wrote to her had a negative impact on her, which is good because hopefully its the wake up call she needs... or at least it should hold till I move out, probably next year.

I have been seeing a lot of other people I've known for a long time, and it has been really nice.

Tomorrow my uncle is taking me down to Provo (Mormon central) and were having a family barbecue up Provo Canyon and taking a moonlight ride on the lifts at Sundance, which should be beautiful. Then I'll sleep at his house and in the morning we'll hike Stuart Falls and then float on tubes down the Provo River. I'm pretty excited for all of it except the float... and my family. They are way to Mormon-y for my tastes and would disown me if the knew I was gay. I loath being around them or and even worse, being around them in Provo. I can handle the number of Mormons in Salt Lake just fine... but most of the rest of Utah... not so great. But my grandparents are down south and I actually like the Uncle I'll be with most the time quite a lot. Its the rest of the family that I really want to disappear from existence.

I go back home on the 2nd... so I only have about a week left here, which does make me sad. But I think I'll be okay going home cuz never before have I had such close friends there.

Love you all
~Anton

Oh, and here is another one of my poems I wrote when I was bored, Its happier than the last, but I still don't think its very good. Haha, anyways, here's Jumping Off the Moon:

Higher than Heaven itself.
A cold rock, not unlike my home,
but absent of its trees and beauty.

I look down on the planet where IO was born.
I can almost see my house; my friends.
But I am stuck, on this cold rock, so very far away.

I take a breath; a breath lacking the nourishment of oxygen.
My feet push me off, and I soar through space.
Rocks and satellites fly by my Head, but I can already hear the crashing waves.

The atmospheric gasses are set ablaze around me,
Through layer upon layer of cool, misty clouds I fall.
Birds fly by, singing their songs of welcome.

The wind gently brushes the trees, as the rocks guard the secrets of Earth.
A rabbit pokes its head out of its hole and a dear grazes in a meadow.
My feet touch the ground, and I am home.

I'm Happy... Even if This Post Isn't

2010-07-20T19:01:00.004-06:00

People are always preaching their philosophies and ideas like they are god. This is a problem I have with many people; my godmother, any devoutly religious person, my friend Jordan and the person I consider to be one of my closest mentors, Robert Pruitt. Its not something I'd have a problem with except that all of those people speak it like it is scientific fact. I know I do it too on occasion... but it is not something I am all that tolerant of.
People are subconsciously selfish, and pretending that every action they take is for the betterment of society is bull shit. Hell, even the Dalia Lama has his moments of weakness...
Not everyone is going to be changed by these philosophies because the number of them that there are just makes life confusing, especially when most people will defend them to the death. Its time for people to start tearing down their god complexes and allow others to make decisions for themselves.
But that's idealistic. No ones going to do that, not even me... I just wanted to bitch about it, cuz bitching about things is one of my better talents.
So cuz things aren't gonna change in this case, one philosophy I have picked up from one of my mentors that I have been applying to my life more and more is "Its easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission" It helps me be me.

Any who... I saw Inception today which was an exceptionally amazing movie and really put into perspective the nature of reality and demonstrated philosophies out of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Jordan and I often theorise about... well everything, but one of our favorites is anything to do with multiple universes and how dreams, alcohol and weed are ways to access different universes than the one that humanity experiences the majority of the time. The different levels of dreams and the concept of limbo talked about in the movie kinda gave me some food for thought concerning reality and dreams and different universes. It was really fascinating and everyone should go see it.

I have been writing poetry lately. I'm not very good at it, mostly because i give up half way through out of boredom and rush it. This is one I wrote on my plane ride from hell. Its really emo, and keep in mind I wasn't happy when I wrote it. Its called End the Air Flow... =/

Suffocate me
Oppress me
Release me
I wont stop you
I cant stop you

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Put that pillow over my face
Put your hands around my neck
Put me in my place

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Let the water flow in
100 feet under the surface
Let me go

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Close the door
Start the engine
Just give me that endless sleep

Strangle me
Drown me
Gas me

Suffocate me
Oppress me
Release me
I wont stop you
I cant stop you

So yeah... that was happy. And not very good, but I thought I might aw well share it.

I have been feeling like I'm losing a lot of people who are close to me. They are either moving or changing into things I don't like/don't know how to deal with in a way which will keep us close. That's another reason I'm looking forward to college. 29,000 new people to meet and get to know.

I am also under the impression my parents are somewhat responding to my ultimatum I gave them of "clean up or I'm leaving." They have supposedly dried up and are starting counseling. I know they will want me to go too... which I'm hesitant about cuz I'd only want personal therapy, and I have nothing nice to say about them in an environment like that. It would be a lot of arguing and little progress.
~Anton

Camping... Kinda

2010-07-17T22:22:00.002-06:00

Helloooo...

So camping didn't exactly happen as planned. The sites were full, so we went on a hike of Friday instead of camping and went to the park and chilled. That night we watched The Crazies and Zombieland. Both were good! and pretty scary, well... the 1st one was. Then we slept in the tents in the back yard and today we went on a hike in Mill Creek Canyon which is GORGEOUS! One of my favorte places... It was lots of fun. Then we just laid around a bit. Its been somewhat awkward, at least for me, with IttyK... But it has been really nice here, except I really miss my friends and I wanna party with them when I get back. I also have a little trip kinda coming together for the 2nd weekend I get back which I'm pretty excited about.

I saw Despicable Me. It was pretty good, and Robin Hood wasn't bad. My allergies have been killing me here, which is one thing i don't have to deal with back east.
I have been busy and I ha vent had much time to write good posts, but I try to keep you up on anything important.
~Anton

Back

2010-07-13T09:50:00.003-06:00

Hi!!! sorry that I've been gone forever. I didn't really have the time, energy or Internet access to post while I was on the est coast.

My trip there was alright. It was far worse than any other NSLC trip i have ever been on, but it was still a beneficial experience. We did a lot of work concerning our vision for the future. A lot of it seemed counter productive to deciding on a specific path, but I also was helpful in a lot of ways. We also had very little group bonding time, which has always been the best part of any of these trips. We did have a dance at the end which was pretty fun, and I was introduced to Zumba, which is a really fun exercises that I am going to start doing when I get home. We also saw the Washington monuments at night, which I have done before, but was still fun. We also went to Baltimore Harbor where my really good friend from a previous trip and I did some shopping, got hit on by some old hobos and had a nice diner.

I was the last to leave the conference, which just sucked, then the lines in the airport were RIDICULOUS. and when i was drooping off my bag it was over weight so i had to move stuff to my carry on, go through the line again, it was still over weight, so i had to go through that long line a 3rd time. Then security line was long and i forgot to take my laptop out and they had to run all my stuff though again. on the plane i got yelled at cuz i took my computer bag out of my carry on and i cant have 3 bags, so i had to put it back, but then it wouldn't fit over head, so i had to get back to the front which pissed everyone off and give it to the flight attendant who totally bitched me out. then my ipod died in like the 1st 5 minuets, and the airplane movie/music sucked. and they ran out of the food i wanted, so i didn't like mine, and i spilled ice on me when we hit this pocket of turbulence, and the old lady 2 seats over sneezed in her tomato juice and it hit everyone in the area. and there were a billion loud and annoying kids on the flight, including right behind me. and i sat right by the engine where its really loud. WORST TRAVEL DAY EVER!!

Then as soon as i got here things got better. I was greeted at the airport by IttyK and her sister and we went to their house and had cake, and then I came back here to my godmothers house, ant I just felt totally relaxed and at peace with the world. Yesterday wasn't so good. I was in this endless cycle of self loathing, disgust with my existence and remembering things I didn't want to. It was really miserable, and i have been experiencing it on and off for the past little while. Today I seem to be doing better. I am spending the afternoon with some of my best friends and I plan on having a really good time. Friday I'm going on a camping trip with them and I really need the get away from modern society.

Over all its a billion times better than being at my house. I haven't talked to my mom much, besides to check in a couple times and give her an ultimatum that if both of them aren't in A.A. by the time I get back, I'm moving out.

I will be posting more often now that I'm here, but still probably not as much as usual.
Love you!
~Anton

Heading Out

2010-07-05T16:54:00.002-06:00

Hey!! Sorry it’s been a while... it’s been busy.
So I'm leaving in about 13 hours for Washington DC!!! I'm really excited; it should be so much fun! Worst part is that I have to get a ride to the airport with my dad... It totally sucks having any interaction with either parent, both keep acting like things are totally acceptable, which pisses me off. I have made sure I have kept things tense with my mom, she needs to know how pissed I am, but I also am holding back to not make her drink more. I'm sticking to my conditions that both of them have to be totally sober and in A.A. when I get out, or I will find a roommate to get an apartment with... I will remind her of it a couple times while I'm gone, and we will just have to see what they do.

Let’s see, we had a little mud hut party the other night. It was just a couple of us, and no John, so I was kinda really sad about that. I went to see How to Train Your Dragon with Luis the other day. It was really good!!! Then I went to see fireworks on the 3rd and 4th. They were really good, and both nights the people I was with had tons of illegal’s, which were really loud and cool, and scary... I almost got hit by a few of them. Fortunately, I'm a ninja. =)
Both nights John was supposed to come, but wasn’t able too, which really sucked, cuz I wanted to get drunk with him before I left... oh well... I will when I get back. I decided I really don’t want a relationship, but I want John... IDK.
A lot more has happened, but I can’t really think right now, and I gotta go pack more... But I will keep you updated on anything big!
~Anton

I Gots Mah Hair Did!!

2010-07-01T14:54:00.006-06:00

Haaay!!
I'm so happy with my hair! It looks really cool! Which it better cuz including the cut last week, i spent about $175 on it!

Here is a kinda close up...

And here is me failing at my attempts to be cute...

Haha, I got hi lights through out, low lights in the bangs, and the tips of my bangs darkened.. it took like 2 hours, but it was pretty fun.

Dad went to work today, which was a shocker, cuz he got pretty drunk last night. I left him a note for when he gets home thanking him for not going totally over board, cuz he needs the positive reinforcement.
My moms sobered up quite a bit today after reading my letter, so hopefully it will get her in her place till I can find someone good to move into an apartment with.

Now imma go shopping with some friends and then have a mud hut party tonight, probably without John, but a boy can hope...
~Anton

College Orientation

2010-06-30T17:42:00.003-06:00

Hey!
So orientation took so much energy out of me, but it was fun! Night before it started I got 4 hours of sleep, and the the stay over I only got 5, so I'm quite tired now. We kept really busy!
First day was terrifying, even if I went with 2 friends. It was so new and confusing. We spent several hours in lectures about school policy and things we need to know for our time there. Most of those were pretty boring, but some were really interesting. We also had lots of skits done by the orientation leaders concerning stuff we need to know... they were pretty stupid, but kinda funny. These 2 alumni guys came in and did some improv for us, which was pretty fun. We also had a lady come in to talk about stereotyping and prejudice. We did this activity at the end of her intriguing lecture where we had a specific group of people, and in small groups we had to come up with every negative word we could think of associated with that group. Then we hung them up and went through and crossed off the ones that we thought shouldn't be associated with the groups based on meaning behind the word/appropriateness of it. My group happened to be Gay and Lesbian, so it was interesting when I told everyone in our small group I was gay. That evening we had a social that was incredibly lame...
Day 2 (today) was mostly lectures and a tour of UNM. I met some cool people there. There was one cuteish gay boy, and at check out there was this really cool girl that my friend and I were chatting too. The whole experience was really good, and totally got me excited for college and helped with some of my fears.
I also got registered for 4 classes, all with a friend, and I will sign up for one more soon.

When I got home the house was a bit of a mess and my mom was passed out drunk in the guest bed (where she still is). She got really mad at me last night because she didn't remember it was an over night trip. I'm gonna write her a letter to make my point, because I thought the drinking was over, again,and I'm just gonna tell her this is it and I'm probably leaving to live downtown when school starts and that she has lost all of my respect. Should be fun... but after I move out I don't plan on having much of a relationship with either parent. I have been making some limited small talk with my dad... I don't like it.

Good news is that I leave in 6 days!
~Anton

First Day of College? ...kinda?

2010-06-29T05:06:00.005-06:00

Hello!!
It has still been kinda slow around here, but that will be changing very soon. A week from today I'm leaving for DC, today and tomorrow I have orientation at UNM, and in between I have a mud hut party, a 4th of July party, hopefully a hike with Luis and other shenanigans with friends, plus some stuff or school and whatever.
I'm hoping orientation will be fun. I got up way too early though... I don't need to leave for another hour, and I have been up since 4... haha, I'm smart. Its over night, but I have a couple friends going and it doesn't look too bad. I think it will really hit me that I'm starting college during it, cuz I will be on campus from 8am this morning to like 2pm tomorrow.
I made $40 from my mom for doing this online training thing she had to do for work. Yay spending money!
I'm going in on Thursday to get my hair finished, I CAN'T WAIT! Its gonna look super cute for my trip.
It has been 'kinda' rainy/stormy here. Not NEARLY enough for my liking, but I will take what I can get...
I also went on this really long walk last night and now my legs hurt for walking around UNM all day... oh well. haha
That's about it, I'll keep you posted as my life starts becoming more active again.
~Anton

Hair

2010-06-25T18:43:00.002-06:00

Hello!
Today I went and got a hair cut... it was looking SO bad! Its okay now, but I need to go back in this weekend and get it touched up in the back. I'm also gonna get it colored again!! I cant wait and I'll post pictures after I do. I *think* it will be cute, but I'm not sure yet... Its shorter than I'm used to, so I don't have as good of an idea of what i want to do yet. I was thinking doing lowlights through the bangs ans highlights everywhere else.
I'm also gonna apply for a receptionist job there when I get back form my summer trips. I love my salon!

I also went to coffee with a friend and that was fun. We had a good chat, even if we were only there for an hour. I'm probably gonna go hang out with my friends later and just chill. A couple nights ago I saw the BIGGEST shooting star ever and like 5 other small ones. It was so cool!!! It was like 5 times bigger than a normal one and a really deep orange/reddish color.

I also had a fantastic time a couple nights ago at my friends birthday party. I love dinner parties! I always have the best time.

I got to give this really cute guy water when he came to my house for a security systems thing and he looked exhausted. He was quite nummy! But that was a few days ago...

Umm... I know this was really short, but IDK what else to say...
good night
~Anton

"Really Really Ridiculously Good Looking Penguins"

2010-06-24T14:30:00.003-06:00

... That was the drunk thought that a friend came up with the other night to describe our group. Now, this October probably we are all gonna go together and get tattoos incorporating penguins. I'm excited!!! haha, and no, I wasn't drunk that night, we just stoped by and hung out with our friends that were drunk.

Speaking of alcohol, John got drunk for the 1st time a few days ago, and he confirmed what I had always suspected, he is a very sexual drunk!! His parents also gave hin the okay to party with us, so we will be having a mud hut party soon, and we'll see where things go. ;)
And I'm not sure about Ethan; he left a couple days ago and I didn't really get to see him. We are still talking and stuff, but I'm pretty sure this isn't what I want. Hes sweet and everything, but I have no faith or really much interest in relationships at this point in my life, especially a long distance one. Maybe we will get together or just hook up when he gets back, but I'm keeping my options very open, especially with John. No one has ever compared to John for me.

I have also spent a bit of time with Luis, and were gonna go on a hike soon, hopefully just the 2 of us, and with out his little brother or anything, so we can talk about stuff we want to...

My mom stayed a total of 2 nights in the hospital and she feels good about all the stuff that they found.

That's about it for now. Its been kinda slow around here for the past few days
~Anton

P.s. Dear IttyK,
I'm sorry for going through things that you are fortunate enough to not fully understand. I'm sorry if you don't understand my thought process. I'm sorry for feeling human emotion. I'm sorry I had to be sad that Ethan had to leave. I'm sorry you misinterpret exactly how I feel. I'm sorry if my simply being human hurts you. I'm sorry if my trying to help you hurt you. I'm sorry if you don't see how much I care.

Any who... I love this song, and for me it kinda refers to any of the 3 boys I like now, and my bestie in Utah who first posted this song. I Luvs y'all

My kinda Boy Friend, and Our Really Shitty Situation

2010-06-20T11:05:00.002-06:00

Hey Hey.
Okay, so Ethan, the boy I was kinda talking about in my last post, well, we started talking; a lot. He is incredibly sweet and he seems to like me a lot. We haven’t met in person yet, but he sounds cute and said he saw a picture of me, and that he thinks I'm cute. In one of his e-mails, he kinda asked me out. I never gave him a definitive answer, cuz I really would like to meet him first, and cuz IDK if i want a relationship; but anyways, he thinks we are going out, and I'm okay with that for now, but I'm still considering our relationship in limbo.
Now for the super fucking shitty part. Ethan is in the Navy, and they spontaneously decided to ship him out to California for a couple weeks. He leaves really soon, and neither of us are sure if we will have time to even meet before he leaves, although both of us are trying really hard to figure something out. Also, by the time he gets back, I will be gone on my summer trips, and by the time I get back, IDK how much time we will have together before he has to leave again, cuz he is supposed to sometime in August.
We had made plans to meet this week and have a 'sleep over' at his house and now that has probably been postponed a couple months. If we don't end up meeting before he leaves I’m defiantly keeping my options open if something else comes along. I like him, but I'm not entirely okay having a boyfriend who I haven’t met in person yet.

In other news, I'm a terrible person! My mom spent last night in the hospital for observation after going to the E.R. for heart palpitations. I’m kinda sad, but I’m much much more broken up about the Ethan thing. How terrible is that? But I figure she will be fine.... so IDK.

Today, for father’s day, I've barricaded myself in my room and I’m not intending to have a second of face time with my monster of a father.

So yeah... every time I find something that makes me really happy, It’s taken away before I can enjoy it. The universe is always raining on what utopia I can find in my life...

~Anton

Improvements

2010-06-18T13:41:00.002-06:00

Hello!!
So I convinced my mom to dump her booze for the "sake of my dad." Things are still pretty tense between us... but I'm moving on with my life. My aunt also offered to come out from Cali to get me and take me back to live with them. I have really good support through all of this...

I am also having a mud hut party tonight with most the usual people, plus some new ones; including Jordan's new boy friend, who seems pretty cool, from the little interaction I have had with him.
John is also coming over. Maybe. I think the only way I will really drink at all tonight is if he can stay over and does himself. In that case I'd put my money on us at least making out... IDK, he seems like a slutty drunk. lol. But I doubt he will even come over, let alone be able to stay, his parents are too strict.

There are also new prospects with a new boy! I'd bet there is like a 5% chance of ANYTHING happening, but it actually made me excited. Anyways, this came about from talking to this one girl on that game, Balloono, that I have mentioned a few times. Her boy friend is in the navy and met this one guy who lives in my city of all god damn places in the world! Hes 18 and gay and she said she will get me his e-mail so I can kinda start talking to him, and maybe set up a date or something. I am not even hopeful I will get his e-mail, let alone that he will be responsive, or interested, but its something new, which I haven had in a LONG time. I will keep you updated IF anything happens, which I doubt, so I probably wont end up mentioning him again. =)

That's about it...
Talk to you soon!
~Anton

Taking Turns

2010-06-16T09:28:00.002-06:00

Hey guys!
So yesterday was kinda my birthday celebration wit my neighbors (Luis, his sister and younger brother). We went to see Prince of Persia; it was good! Then we got pizza and doughnuts. Then we had a mud hut sleep out (alcohol-free. They aren't drinkers, and I never had my opportunity to ask Luis alone if he wanted to) and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was also good for me cuz Luis likes to cuddle a bit when he sleeps, and I was right there. =) Also, I discovered that he has an amazing 6 pack. He is so fucking hot... even if I don't really have a shot with him... HOT DAMN!

Today I think I will be spending time with them again, unless there worthless father makes them do something pointless. I like their dad about as much as mine.

Now, on to my parents. My dad has been pretty good as far as I know. Mother, on the other hand has been hitting the booze pretty hard. I have already Left her a note telling her to "Grow the fuck up" and that my dad doesn't have a chance to stay sober if she keeps drinking. Today she was too drunk to go to work, so I'm going to tell her I'm moving out permanently for college (which I may or may not really do, IDK yet) and probably go stay with a friend till she gets her shit together. I HATE BOTH MY PARENTS SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!

Thats about it I guess...
~Anton

6 Months, 100 Posts, 100 Things About Me!

2010-06-14T17:30:00.003-06:00

HELLO!!! So 6 month ago to the day I started Anton’s Haus, and I'm really happy with where it stands in the world of gay blogs. This is also my 100th post! So to celebrate I will do the typical '100 Things About Me' thing that a lot of bloggers do and just tell you things that you may know already, or may not, and some things I feel or think and whatever... so yeah, enjoy!

1. Anton is my middle name
2. My dad and my grandfather have the same names, so I’m a “the 3rd”
3. I was born in Salt Lake City, Utah
4. I lived in Fitchburg, Wisconsin for 2 years
5. I lived in Grand Junction, Colorado for 3 years
6. I have lived in New Mexico for 5 years this August
7. I am an only child, and I can’t decide if I like it or not
8. I am a devout Atheist
9. I figured out I am gay last October
10. There are very few girls I would go straight for, but there are a few… I still consider myself gay though, just not as gay as some
11. I have gone to 3rd base with a girl, but only 1st with a boy
12. I have fallen ‘in love’ multiple times with my friend John, but I am currently moving on, although I would go for him if he asked
13. I also like a (probably) straight boy named Luis
14. I like younger guys
15. I typically, but not exclusively, like white boys
16. I’m short, only 5’ 7”
17. I weigh about 125 pounds, so I’m quite skinny
18. I want to build some more muscle and start doing more physical activities
19. I dislike my body/face/hair
20. I can’t sing
21. I named my blog in honer of "Haus of Gaga"
22. History is my favorite core subject in school
23. I have greatly considered teaching for a career
24. I have also considered politics
25. I’m a Democrat, although I still need to register to vote
26. I don’t do school sports
27. I have severe self-esteem issues
28. I mask it by projecting a big ego
29. I keep most things I think t myself
30. My group of friends in New Mexico is mostly me and 4 girls, plus some other people who aren’t quite as close as us 5
31. The person who I’d consider my best friend lives in Utah, we have met in person once to see a movie with IttyK and her sister
32. I had 2 (unofficial) godmothers who were lesbian partners
33. One of them died on February 28, 2008, but I’m still close to the other
34. I graduated high school with a 3.73 GPA
35. I love to travel
36. I have been to Thailand and the Dominican Republic
37. I was also in Puerto Rico and Japan for a few hours each
38. I really really wanna visit and maybe live in Europe
39. I’m part Czech, Swiss, Norwegian, German and British
40. I have a dog, 3 large tortoises, 7 box turtles, 1 baby box turtle and a Tokay gecko
41. I LOVE Lady Gaga… if she asked me to kill myself, I’d happily do it without hesitation
42. I don’t really care how long I live, to me it’s all the same in the end
43. I have a mud hut that I made with Luis and Noelle (form Dark Orchid)
44. I was drug/alcohol free up until my last semester in high school, besides a few drinks in Thailand
45. The first big concert I went to was Green Day
46.I am going to the University of New Mexico this fall, if everything goes according to plan
47. I drive an Audi 100
48. I have never been pulled over… although I almost was a few days ago
49. I have been to about 20 states
50. I want to either live in Northern Europe (probably England) the Pacific Northwest, New England or Canada
51. I would also consider living in Louisiana, Georgia, Florida or somewhere close to the equator in the Americas or Asia
52. I dislike at least 80% of my extended family
53. Friends have always meant more to me than family
54. I don’t have faith in relationships
55. I was in a 2 ½ year relationship with a girl in middle school until I moved
56. I have 210 Facebook friends
57. My favorite liquor is Brandy
58. I Like typical ‘gay’ fruity drinks more than liquor
59. I like to read, but I don’t do it very often
60. I LOVE the rain and clouds and cool and humid places
61. I don’t have a job, but I will get one soon
62. This summer I am traveling to Washington D.C. and Utah
63. Balloono is my favorite online game… play it!
64. I suck at most things I enjoy doing
65. I don’t usually give people second chances
66. There is a good chance I’d chose to be on the bad side if there was an epic battle of good and evil
67. I love to shop!
68. …Except for shoe shopping
69. I was born on June 8th, 1992
70. I don’t like either of my parents, and loathe my dad above anyone else
71. I have 895 songs on my iPod
72. I have terrible handwriting
73. I have terrible grammar and spelling
74. I like to write
75. I’m pretty good at talking in front of lots of people
76. I can’t speak any other languages fluently, but I can understand some Spanish from living in New Mexico and I have taken French and Chinese
77. I have terrible joints that I inherited from my mom
78. I have never broken a bone or had a real surgery
79. I need to get my wisdom teeth out soon
80. There is very little I like about myself
81. I’d give anything to live someone else’s life
82. I’d also settle for starting over on mine
83. I have a sword collection… idk why, I don’t really like them
84. I don’t have a favorite food
85. Black and white are my favorite colors, but I really like most of them… except orange
86. Glee is my favorite TV show
87. My IQ is 138
88. I like photography, but suck at it
89. I regret most of my decisions I make/have made in my life
90. I’m really logical
91. I’m generally apathetic
92. I like hiking
93. Burger King and Taco Bell are my favorite fast food restaurants
94. I like going to fancy places and acting like I belong there
95. Eating out is one of my favorite things
96. I want a boy friend, but at the same time I kinda don’t
97. I used to play the violin
98. The longest I have stayed up for at once is 56 hours
99. I have been on the radio, had a news paper article written about me, seen Barack Obama twice, met the governor of New Mexico, 2 congressmen, a 3rd party presidential candidate (Bob Barr) some musician my parents like (I can’t remember his name) and the lead singers for Thriving Ivory and Company of Thieves. And maybe some other people… IDK
100. I want a cat

Haha, so there you have it! I will do this every 100 posts, so… yeah!
Have a good day/night
~Anton

Living off Fudge

2010-06-13T14:52:00.004-06:00

Hello!!
So today has been slow. I have been in my room all day again. By the time I got up my dad was already awake and on the computer, and my desire for food hasn’t yet been great enough to even walk past him to get to the kitchen... So I have been snacking on fudge until he takes a nap and I can go eat. Hopefully soon cuz I'm hungry!

I didn’t go to the party yesterday. My friend I was gonna go with had a change of plans. So I ended up playing foot ball with some of the neighborhood kids, including Luis, and played at the park a bit. He was all gross from working with his dad, but still super cute... I think like him a lot, although not as much as I ever did with John, cuz I’m still 75% sure Luis is straight and I’m not letting myself fall that hard again; especially if there is such a minuscule chance of it ever working out between us. We watched a movie after the park and all of that, but before that he showered and came back in basketball shorts and a tank top.... HOT FUCKING DAMN!!! <3

Tuesday we are gonna see like 3 movies at the dollar theater and then have a mud hut sleep out and get pizza and stuff. I doubt he drinks, but I will offer some rum that night and see if I can possibly get him a wee bit drunk and try to open him up a little. If not, it should still be a fun night!

I may have a mud hut party with my other friends tonight, but I will be sober for that if it happens. I’m slowing down on the bad stuff and saving it for special occasions. I’m not doing it for me, but more for all the people that it bothers... I don’t really care much for my life cuz I will end up in the same place in the end anyways and I believe I will have NO awareness of how long I was alive or what happened or any form of consciousness what so ever... but I hate being the cause of other peoples unhappiness.

Oh, and late last night I heard from 'Peacock' as I used to call him on here after 2 or so months with no contact. He wanted to make amends and say sorry and offer us some of the stuff he ended up keeping. He doesnt want back but he just wanted to end on good terms. It was nice.

That’s about it for now. I love you all and I will continue to try to not get arrested!
~Anton

Let Down

2010-06-12T13:51:00.003-06:00

It has been so-so being home. I still haven't seen either parent... which is pretty nice. I hid in my room yesterday when my dad got home for work and when I left the house I went when he was in the bathroom so he didn't see me, and then I waited till he was asleep to come home. He is at a neighbors house today, but I've still been in I'm room... I don't wanna be around when he comes back.

My plans to have a fun day with Luis fell through today cuz his piece of shit dad took him to work, but I talked to his sister and we are gonna do something later this week.

My alternative plans tonight are to go to a big party. There are a lot of people and I don't know most of them, but it sounds fun. It would probably be me Jordan and 1 other friend. I will offer to be DD though, cuz I don't wanna be messed up at a party like that. I'm still hesitant to do so anyways, and hopefully Luis will get home and we can go to a movie tonight.

I also had a police encounter yesterday. He was gonna pull me over (I think) but I lost him by turning into a neighborhood as soon as I saw him flip around and put his lights on; I just kept going like I didn't see him (he was quite a ways back) and like I was supposed to be there. I'm super terrified to be on the streets cuz I keep thinking there is a man hunt out for me, but I'm a paranoid person like that. I have said for a long people should not let me drive... I'm terrible at it! I have made a mid-year resolution however to drive better!

Besides that and a little friend drama, that's about all that's going on right now.
~Anton

The Return Home

2010-06-11T14:19:00.003-06:00

This is my first post in nearly 2 weeks that I have been able to do from my desktop in my room. It has been hell using my outdated laptop for my Internet life.
I have yet to encounter either parent. My dad has been back at work and is still detoxing. One of my conditions of me coming home is that he is either 100% sobered up, or stays the night in a detox facility or a hotel, and my mom has followed through on communicating that point. I have no intentions to talk to him for probably a week, besides the BARE MINIMUM and maybe a "I'm not talking to you yet." He knows he really doesn't have a shot of fixing things with me. Ideally, I'd still like him dead and gone, but hopefully leave a little life insurance.

Tomorrow I'm hopefully spending the whole day with Luis and his family, although I still gotta talk to them about the specifics. I'm giving up going to Pride just to be with him... Plus, I'm guessing Albuquerque's Pride isn't all that great...

Now I'll share with you the BEST birthday present I have ever got. I didn't post it on the laptop cuz it fails at life and I didn't want to over load it. But anyways, here is Lady Gaga's music video for Alejandro, which came out on my birthday!!

I love the social commentary of the gay soldiers that some people interpret as her message that "Don't ask don't tell" should be repealed, but I see as her calling on the gays to stand up for the rights we deserve.

Have a nice day!
~Anton

My 1st Day Being a 'Legal' Adult

2010-06-09T11:27:00.002-06:00

Hey guys!!!
My birthday was good!! One of the best I had in a long time actually. The night before i actually turned 18, my friends threw me a party! It was small, but really sweet. I had cupcakes and balloons and all sorts of nice stuff. I got $40 from them and Jordan got me an awesome Lady Gaga poster and one that was supposed to be Glee, but was actually Cars, it was just the same color so he got the wrong one. I think its really funny and intend to keep it!
John was there and we had some really really good conversations. I discovered how much more I like him than Jordan, but I still wont let myself fall for him again. I could, but i wont.
I got pretty high at my party, 2 friends got drunk and one stayed sober. We walked around and listened to music and played with a black light and a star machine that projects laser stars on the ceiling. We also went on an adventure to a park and i got really confused, but had fun. I really needed it! Although I thought I was gonna get a lot more messed up. Its pretty good I didnt

I think I'm planing on going home on Friday finally, and I will just isolate myself from my parents. I have imposed on my friends for too long. Luis and his family want to take me out and have a good time Saturday, and I'm super excited for that!!! John also thinks he could be gay...

I have had a LOT to think about with the conversations I have been having with one of my closest friends. Its somewhat agonizing cuz she wont tell me this thing she is trying to keep and I really really wanna know, but I am still not mad like I would be with other people. I guess its true friendship, which i don't experience with lots of people cuz I'm just a cold person.

I love you lots
~Anton

My Mom is SUCH a Push-over!!

2010-06-07T14:01:00.004-06:00

Okay, so everything has changed... yet again. Something compelled my dumb ass mom to go back home today. Apparently my father has sobered up at least somewhat and is seeking help. He wants to go to AA meetings, he has secured his job, he has seen a psychiatrist and is gonna get further medical help and maybe go into rehab. Apparently he said how hes sorry and doesn't really remember much that happened in a full 3 day period and was devastated and how he know it doesn't fix anything. He said he understands if my mom still wants to leave him and if I don't wanna came back. My mom has decided that with his attempts to get help she is willing to go back, because he has never tried this hard before. I, on the other hand am completely apathetic to any of his feelings and remorse. He has been fucking up my life for at least a good 13 years and this is my final straw. I still want him to die... a lot!!!

The only things that could bring me back to that house is my mud hut and Luis. I hate everything else, the location, the people in it, the house itself... I would have to have a lot of conditions and probably never have a stable relationship with my dad again... especially while I'm there. He understands that. It would also be temporary, a year tops. Its still so difficult to even consider going back. My mom and I talked a lot over lunch today and she knows how I feel.
What the hell should I do? Right now my choices are to go home, get my own place which would be expensive or go to Utah which would also be expensive.
My friend said I can stay her for a while if I need to, and there is not a chance in hell I will go back home within the week. He plans on calling me tomorrow for my birthday but I have no intention of answering. He fucked up my birthday last year too by drinking.
Before I can decide anything I'm gonna take council from my dads oldest brother, my favorite aunt, all of you guys and my god mother.

Jordan is being a bitch, he has been flirting quite a bit but he is also trying really hard to get with this other guy... so whatever. Hes hot and really awesome, but I'm a lot more okay just being friends with him than I was with John. Its still annoying.

Today is also my LAST DAY BEING A MINOR!!! I turn 18 tomorrow and honestly I'm not exactly happy about it. My friend who I'm staying with and her mom are making me a cake and then tonight were gonna go get fucked up in my friends garage. We also got our hands on this star machine that puts thousands of laser stars on the ceiling that move around and it will be sooo cool when were high! It should be a good time and i really really need it.

Love
~Anton

A Place to Live?

2010-06-05T12:06:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was good. I spent the morning on the computer and just relaxing and watching TV. In the afternoon me Jordan and 2 of our other friends when hiking. It was a lot of fun and pretty tiering. The best part of that was when Jordan took his shirt off... HOT DAMN!!!
We also went and got some tea and went to an organic pharmacy and just looked at a ton of odd medicines.
After that we just chilled and maybe smoked a little. We got Taco bell and watched Fourth Kind and ended up falling asleep...

Today we are gonna go stay at someone elses house, or at least my mom is. We think were probably gonna move into a house closer to my friends, so I'm happy. Its super ghetto and not fantastic, but it is a pretty good place to live for our situation and needs. Our next hurdle is getting furniture out of our house. It will be a huge confrontation and we will certainly need to get a sheriff escort.

I'll keep you updated on anything new
~Anton

Today... =/

2010-06-03T16:59:00.002-06:00

Moms been a bit insane today and unable of any logical thought. Its pissing me off, so I have been making all our decisions today.
We left he hotel and we were gonna stay with one of her friends, but they werent there so i convinced her to come stay at my friends house. She wanted to go to another hotel, and I was like "We have dozens of people willing to help us and we are pretty fucking broke. We are not spending money on a place to stay when people are offering us plenty of places." so she shut up and listined to me. =)

My friends parents are being really cool, and my mom keeps acting weird and annoying me, but Im with a friend, so Im pretty happy. We also have a house in a great location that were thinking about renting, but im not sure if we will yet, its a wee bit expensive.

Thats about it i suppose
~Anton

Phase 1 of Putting Our Lives Back Together

2010-06-02T21:14:00.003-06:00

Hello!
Today was pretty good. Tonight is our last night in the hotel. Tomorrow we will start staying at some different friends houses for a while.
We looked at some apartments today, but all of them were too expensive. But we have like 20 people looking to place for us to stay and my moms manager says he will help us out financially. We spent a lot of time at her work today talking to people. They are all really great, and I feel hopeful.
My mom also talked to his ex-alcoholic older brother, who I like quite a bit. He thinks we should get a restraining order and take the house, but the mortgage is in his name, so idk if that will work. Him and my dads youngest brother both plan on talking to him, but he wont listing to anyone while he is like this.

Our neighbor who is friends with my dad got him to go with him to Costco today, and while they were gone my mom and I raided our house of valuables and necessities. We rushed threw grabbing all our shit and it was super high tension and kinda scary, but we succeeded. It will probably piss him off, but we need stuff, and we have a lot of it now!
Mom was sober for most of today, and seemed to be really calm. We had a fantastic lunch and it was utterly relaxing sitting outside, getting some healthy food in me, watching the birds and listing to relaxing music.

As far as Utah, I really love it there, but I am also hesitant. I have a few friends going to the University of New Mexico with me, and none in college up there. I also get free tuition here, and it will be so much better financially in the long run for me and my godmother. Id miss my routines and friends here so much, and IDK... I'm really on the fence about this one. I'm leaning on staying here, but I'm not sure yet.
LOVE
~Anton

Mom Handles Disasters as Well as FEMA...

2010-06-01T18:17:00.002-06:00

So today was... shitty. I have been watching TV or on our laptop all day. My mom hasnt been sober for one second of it and mostly asleep and has been crying a lot.
I'm gonna talk to her tonight and straight up tell her that if she doesnt stop im going to leave her too and move to Utah. I will give her 1 day, but then she needs to wake the fuck up and do something productive.
I hate my life, but whatever. I havent heard or done anthing new today, and i may go live with another friend if my mom is still like this and decide what to do from there.
My godmother has been good support...
IDK
Love you all
~Anton

My Life is Over, I Want my dad to Die, Most Important Changes of my Life

2010-05-31T03:33:00.003-06:00

Hey guys, I have more to say than really can be said. Right now I’m sitting in a hotel room with my mom and I spent last night on Sam’s bedroom floor at sobbing my eyes out. But I will catch you up on the past few days... when things were still good.
I went shopping with Steph ant it was AMAZING! Shopping completes the gay boys soul... at least this one. I spent $144.66, which is about what i wanted to. I got a Lady Gaga bracelet, some epically Gaga-ish sun glasses, a Lady Gaga shirt, 2 graphic tees, two V-necks tees, 2 pair of pants and a couple pins, none of the 2 stick men holding hands and then one that says " lets get one thing straight, I'm not." It was such a good time and I couldn’t have been happier, except if i was able to spend more money.

The sleepover at my house was fun, although one unnamed guest was a TOTAL buzz kill and caused a lot of problems for all of us. But overall i still had a very good time

I did not go the rave, because it cost $20, and I’m broke, and I was too tired for the after parties...

My friends grad party was awesome! I got wasted and had a great time with everyone there! John was there and really cute and i met a few other people who are pretty cool.

During all of that I had a days long epic fight with IttyK. We are okay now, but i was sure our friendship was gonna be over.. I have so much to say on this, but i have so much worse shit going on in my life.

OK, SO HERE IS THE BIG PART. THE OTHER DAY I WENT TO PLAY BASEBALL WITH MY NEIGHBORS AND HAD ABOUT THE BEST TIME EVER, ESPICALLY WITH LUIS THERE. WHILE I WAS GONE MY DAD DECIDED TO FIX THE LEAKY SHOWER IN THE BATHROOM. TO DO SO HE HA TO SHUT OFF THE WATER AND ENDED UP BREAKING A VALVE AND CUT UP HIS HAND AND SHIT. HE NEVER CALLED ANYONE, SO WHEN MY MOM CALLED HIM TO CHECK IN SHE ENDED UP NEEDING TO CALL A PLUMBER.
THE WHOLE THING STRESSED HIM OUT AND AS I PREDICTED, HE STARTED DRINKING AGAIN. MY MOM WAS MADDER AT HIM THEN EVER, AND WAS PLANING ON LEAVING FOR THE NIGHT. LAST NIGHT I DECIDED TO SLEEP OVER AT A FRIENDS CUZ I DIDNT WANNA DEAL WITH EVERYTHING, AND BEFORE WE WENT NIGHT SWIMMING AT JORDANS. HE HAS A NICE BODY.
THIS MORNING I CAME HOME AND BASICALLY JUST WALKED AROUND CUZ MY MOM WAS IN MY ROOM NAPING. MY DAD GOT UP AND WAS EATING. HE WAS LEAVING THE PLACE A MESS AND LEAVING STUFF OPEN. SO I WENT INTO THE KITCHEN AND WAS CLOSING STUFF. IT WAS GETTING HARDER TO BREATH AND I WAS GETTING MORE AND MORE AND MORE PISSED AND SLAMED THE PANTRY DOOR.
HE TURNS TO ME AND COMES AT ME AND WAS LIKE "DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM?" AND IM LIKE SOBBING AND IM LIKE "YEAH, I DONT WANNA DO THIS AGAIN!" AND WE KEEP SHOUTING AND HES COMING AT ME AND GETTING IN MY FACE AND I DONT REMEMBER THE WHOLE CONTENT BUT I WAS LIKE, "I SHOULD KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING LUNITIC!" AND HES LIKE "PLEASE! DO ME THE FAVOR!" AND TAKES A SWING AT ME THAT I DODGE AND I GRAB SHIT INCASE I HAVE TO FIGHT HIM, JUMP OVER THE COUCH AND RUN OUTSIDE. HE LOCKS ME OUT AND IM FREAKING SO I CALL 911. THE COPS SHOWED UP AND GOT IN THE HOUSE AND START TALKING TO HIM AND AT ONE POINT HE CALLS ME A 'WORTHLESS UNGRATEFUL SHIT-HEAD" AND SAYS HE COULD KICK THE COPS ASSES. I WAKE UP MOM AND SHES READY TO KILL HIM AND FLIPS OUT.

SO NOW WERE GONNA STAY AT A HOTELK AND SOMETIME THIS WEEK WE'LL GO GET ALL OUR STUFF OUT OF THE HOUSE AND MOVE INTO AN APPARTMENT. IM ALSO THINKING ABOUT GETTING ONE OF MY OWN WITH A FRIEND, OR MOVING BACK TO UTAH TO STAY WITH MY GOD MOTHER.
MOM THINKS MY DAD WILL KILL HIMSELF, BUT IM NOT THAT HOPEFUL... IF THINGS WERE TO BE IDEAL HE WOULD DIE AND WE WILL GET LIFE INSURANCE, BUT IM GUESSING HE DOESNT HAVE THE BALLS TO KILL HIMSELF, BUT HERRE IS NOTHING I'D LIKE MORE.

that’s about it I guess. I'll keep you posted on everything though... love you all.
~Anton

Happy?

2010-05-25T17:54:00.003-06:00

Yes, I'm actually quite happy now!
I finally got rid of my grandparents, my parents are back to work, and I have been enjoying myself.
Yesterday I got coffee with a few of my friends and then chilled with them at one of their houses, and just did the usual. I did however find out that 2 friends have hit my car! The 1st was a friend who was learning stick and I had parked behind her on a hill and she rolled back trying to start it. But I didn’t even know and no damage was done on either case... I'm just done parking by any of my friends! And I'm really wondering if the stereo type that women are shitty drivers is true! lol

Today I spent most of the day downloading and listening to awesome music! I added 138 new songs to my collection today! I also found an awesome new band that I already love and have never heard of before. Their name is Within Temptation. I also ran to the store to get a prescription for my mom and on the way back I almost hit a wall when I was checking out this SUPER CUTE skater boy. We also had a census worker come and ask us questions cuz the post office lost our form; she was really nice.
I was supposed to go to the movies with these friends, but they are super flakey, but I'm ok with it cuz I don’t wanna spend too much money.
I missed out on an opportunity to see Luis today, but that’s okay too cuz I still enjoyed myself.
AND GLEE WAS GAGA THEMED TONIGHT!!!!!!! I'm unable to describe how excited that made me! IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

IttyK is mad at me because I wont tell her something that will make her 10 times madder… Its kinda funny and sad all at once.

I'm sorry if I don’t post often in the next few days... I'll be super busy.
Tomorrow I have a shopping date with Steph
Thursday I have a party/sleepover at my house
Friday I’m going to a Rave
Saturday there is a party/sleepover at one of my friends for her grad party
And Sunday we're doing to Albuquerque's shitty excuse for an amusement park

That’s about all that going on that I can think of today... Here are some songs I like:

This one is on the radio a lot, but I think it’s really nice and I love Demi and We the Kings, so it’s a super good combo for me, and the video is cool! I wish I were there with them!

I love basically everything P!nk does anyway, but this song is supper good and I like this performance from the Grammy's.

This is some of that group who I really like! Its so pretty!
Good night
~Anton

Spite!!

2010-05-23T21:29:00.003-06:00

Hello!
So today I went to that grad party for that one girl i really don't like and thought about trying to make peace with. It went well, and I had a pretty good time, especially when we threw her into the pool. I admit i did go just to spite her and eat her food and such, but it was alright and i think i may be able to kinda tolerate her now. Success.
When we met up to carpool there my friend that drove backed into my car. No damage was done, but I'm gonna give her shit for that forever.

Yesterday night some of my friends went to a big party and got super wasted and had some fun stories about it. I decided not to go mostly because the people who were throwing it hate gays... and I'm pretty happy with that decision after I heard some of the stories.

I have been wasting most of my day playing a game called Balloono on omgpop.com. I highly recommend it!!

GRANDPARENTS LEAVE TOMORROW!!!! I'm so Happy about that!

That's about it, sorry its been so incredibly boring the past few days...
~Anton

Coffee

2010-05-22T16:48:00.002-06:00

Hi,
So let’s see... yesterday was pretty shitty for the day part. I was so bored and I totally feel like my grandparents have overstayed their welcome. But I did have a grad party in the evening and It was pretty amazing. The food was good, the people were entertaining and there was fun stuff to do. We played ping pong and a super intense card game called Egyptian Rat screw. Then we had a watertight and I totally owned everyone! After that we went to go chill at my friends house/the golf course/ taco bell. One of our friends who lives a ways away was also there and it’s really fun whenever she can come cuz she is crazy. But yeah, I didn’t get home till 4:15 this morning.

Today I went to Taco Bell/coffee with two of my friends and caught up with them for a few hours. It was really relaxing and I enjoyed getting out of the house and away from all these people who I HATE.

I really wanna be in Utah right now, I could use a change of scene, although IDK if I could deal with some of the people just at this moment, I’m feeling rather high strung.

I owe a thank you to Noelle for the apology, although I know it will happen again eventually, I still appreciate the effort to make nice.

I am also far less interested in Jordan than I thought I was. I'm more interested in him as a friend than a hook up or summer romance.

I think that’s about it for now.
<3
~Anton

Just Dance

2010-05-21T14:02:00.003-06:00

haha... I don't have much to say and I couldn't think of a title name, so I just named it after the song that is playing.

So my grandparents are staying till Monday now! they were supposed to leave today but my parents convinced them to stay longer.... FUCK MY LIFE!!! They bug me so much!
I have a bunch of grad parties this weekend though, so yay!

I have to talk to IttyK sometime about our stuff cuz I told her I would... but I lack the motivation or the thought clarity to do so.

Went to the mall with Jordan and the group yesterday and had a pretty good time.

I'm going shopping with Steph Tuesday or Wednesday! I'm so excited, I love her! Shes the one from graduation who I kinda connected with.

I have money too! I'm gonna save most of it for college, but, I do plan to have some fun with it! Its still less than I expected for graduation though... *sad panda*

I FUCKING HATE MAY HAIR!!!! GAH!

Love
~Anton

Taos

2010-05-19T21:39:00.002-06:00

Hey guys!

The trip up north went better than expected. Yesterday was amazing, and today was... tolerable.

Yesterday I went to school to pick up my diploma super early and it was sad and I really miss it. Then I got home and we headed out up north. We drove to Taos and had lunch there at this great sandwich shop and went in a ton of the other little stores. They had some really cool stuff and I got this beautiful candle that I'm dying to light tonight. And I saw some amazing art! It was also overcast and really pretty.
Then we went to this huge gorge with this bridge over it and it was pretty cool. If I would ever jump to my death, that would be a good choice (not saying that I would, of course!). It was cool cuz the wind was really strong in the middle of it and it would shake when I car went by and it felt cool! It scared my dad a lot, which made me laugh.
Then we drove around to Red River where we were gonna stay. We got this super cute cabin for really cheap and it was in this beautiful spot! I got to hike and run around in the woods which I haven’t done in FOREVER! We also had a private fishing pond that my parents and grandparents got to fish in. I was forced to catch one under threat of not leaving for dinner if I didn’t. After like 10 minutes I did and I screamed a lot and didn't enjoy it at all... poor fish! lol

I REALLY wanted Luis to come and he wanted to. I could have used his cuteness and company, but I will camp with him this summer. ;)

Today we ate at breakfast a really shitty restaurant. Then we went on a drive and parked by a lake that I walked around and I think I was bear tracks. Then we went to a candy store and I got a TON of awesome fudge! I can’t wait to eat it all! =) Then we drove back to Taos, went to an Indian village and looked around and it was pretty nice. There was an awesome graveyard there. We ate at this really cool restaurant for dinner on the way back and they have this prickly pear frozen lemonade which is hot pink and super delicious! Then we got home and... here I am.

That’s about it, but I do have 2 songs...

This one is one I listen to when I need motivation to keep going. I am persistent (despite my suicidal tendencies) and this song really speaks to me. It’s really appropriate around graduation time as well!

and this is how I feel right now about my situation with my friend and... yeah, it hits it pretty well. =/

~Anton

GRADUATION DAY!!! (Reflections Pt. 3)

2010-05-17T20:51:00.002-06:00

'Bout time I posted finally, eh? haha, this will be a long one too...
So I will give you the 411 on graduation before I get into all the other shit I have to say.
It was fantastic! The whole process started yesterday with rehearsal. We just practiced our entrance twice and were done pretty quick cuz we did so well. Last year apparently sucked, so the organizers were happy. I sat pretty close to some friends, and this one girl who I knida know from government, but I will talk about her later. Today we got there a bit early, mingled, I saw a ton of people that I love, and a lot of teachers I really miss/ will miss. We got seated and went outside for our grand entrance. We had about 820 or so graduate this year and 754 people walked today. The entrance went well and the speeches were all really good except for the superintendants one. I hate her guts and want her to die. Also this stupid old member of the school board went on about how important god is to being a valuable person, which pissed me off mucho. Two speeches however reminded us that high school isn’t the best time of our lives, so that gave me some hope. Our commencement speaker was my Government teacher and that was cool, he’s a really good (and fairly attractive) man. Then they called all of our names and took like 10 pictures of us on the way up (I'll post some later). I succeeded in not falling so I was proud! It took an hour or so to get through everyone. One girl fake fell on the stage, it was pretty epic. Another tried to hijack the mic from a vice principal, but kinda just made a fool of herself. At the end everyone flung confetti in the air and it was really pretty and a good finale to high school! I gotta go pick up the actual diploma tomorrow morning, but I'm just excited to be back at that school, even if it’s for a little.
Here is our class song, just the Glee version of it cuz it’s more high school-ish... CLASS OF 2010 IS THE BEST!!! XD

On a similar note I have been to a ton of super amazing graduation parties this past week and that should continue for the next two weeks. It is great cuz after I get to spend time with my friends, and we have a limited amount of time left together so I’ll love every minute of it!

The rest of this will be about people for the most part.
First off I’d like to sincerely thank Tman for his continued support and encouragement, especially after my last post when I was so distressed.
Second, Ben ended Ben’s world, but I still talk to him quite a bit on facebook and texting and stuff.
JJ is back!!! I will re-put-up his link soon. He has some restrictions on his blog and what not, but it is good for him and I am happy about it.
IttyK, I know I kinda pissed you off with my formspring answer, but it’s just how I see things and feel about them. It wasn’t meant to hurt you, but… yeah.
Noelle, Idk. You are oblivious to what it means to have manors or decency. You have lost my respect.
I have decided to try to make peace with this bitch. I hate her, she doesn’t like me. But we don’t really know each other well, so I’ll try to be nice with her cuz it doesn’t really make sense cuz we are quite alike.
My god mother has been helping me deal with my parents. It is a HUGE comfort to have her.
Now, that friend from government that I was talking to at graduation: I got to know her a bit during the school year and really enjoy just being around her. I started to find out who she really is talking to her during graduation stuff. She confided a secret in me she has told fewer than 5 other people, thus completely earning my trust and respect, especially cuz of what the actual secret is. We also talked about a lot of other things, some personal, some just joking around. We talked about our mutual attraction to Jordan too. Sometime in this conversation I realized she is one of the 4 or 5 girls in the world at this point in my life that I know that I would consider going straight for (although one of them is Lady Gaga, so IDK if celebrities count). I am always open to the possibility of a relationship with a girl; I’m just much much more attracted to guys. I really like her and enjoy being around her and we have made plans to party and shop this summer!

My parents are oblivious to how pissed I am at them, and I don’t wanna bring it up with the grandparents here though. I am kinda happy they are visiting cuz I don’t have to deal with my parents so much, but they still annoy the hell outta me. Tomorrow we leave for an overnight trip to northern New Mexico. I’m interested to see how it goes being in confined quarters with 4 people I dislike for so long. IDK if I will be able to keep it together, but I’ll try like hell.
~Anton

Work: So I have never held a paying job, which I would change if I could, but it’s not something I beat myself up over like some other things. I have done a ton of volunteer work however with both community service projects and working on the Obama campaign. It will really help my resume, and I'm happy about that.

Travel/Hobbies: I did plenty of travel and I am very proud of that. Although I can’t get enough of it! I never really had one hobby I was devoted to, but I'm ok with that too.

Romance/Relationships: So I had a whole post about how depressing this aspect of my life was/is and how pissed I am at myself for it. I cried the whole night cuz of the stuff I wrote and couldn’t bring myself to post it, so I deleted it and... yeah. FML!!!

Reflections Pt. 2

2010-05-14T16:08:00.002-06:00

Today has been one of the worst in a LONG time. 1st off my friends canceled on me for like the 3rd or 4th week in the row for coffee. But it all started with last night though. My mom was in bed and called me in when I was walking by to go to my room. She bitches me out, yet again, for the job thing and then went off about my car... But it was all made up bullshit! I posted on facebook " My parents can suck my god damn dick! I'm soooo done with this Bull Shit!!! >='( " cuz I really want one of my aunts to ask me about it and get them on my side. Then people commented and whatever asking “why”, and I don’t wanna re type the whole incident just now so here is the other bit I commented on facebook explaining it:
"I don’t know where to fucking start with them! Maybe 10 years ago when they made me move from Utah and they knew how much I loved it there. I Hated living in Wisconsin and I was suicidal in Colorado. I literally had the pills I was gonna OD on in my hand, but I pussed out in the last minute. If I stayed in that hell hole I know I would have killed myself eventually. Then I hate New Mexico! It sucks here and they know how unhappy I am, despite how much I try to be happy, but my dad still constantly rubs it in my face!
Last summer, they both decided to shrug off ALL responsibility and turn into alcoholics, they didn’t go to work, and got behind on all our payments and fucking stole $1500 from me, plus another $400 that I didn’t have!!! AND I STILL HAVENT FUCKING BEEN PAYED BACK!
They have 1 fucking kid to raise, we don’t have a big expensive house, we don’t have nice expensive things and my dad is the goddamn highest paid machinist in his shop!!! Why the fuck to they have to steal from their own goddamn child! Oh, and then they fucking have the nerve to say I’m not pulling my weight! We should have enough money to travel and have nice things from all logical viewpoints! THEY ARE JUST FUCKING DUMBASSES!!!
My breaking point happened last night when my fucking mom bitched me out for not having a job when I PROMISED her id get one when I started college! AND they are threatening to stop paying my fucking insurance. They said when I got my car they set up this 3 strike rule and 3 strikes I start paying my insurance, I’m fine with the rule but I DIDNT FUCKING KNOW ABOUT THIS TILL LAST FUCKING NIGHT!!!! They also said I’m on 2 FUCKING strikes!!!!! 1 was the whole thing last Monday, which I’m fine with, I jet my excitement get the better of me... whatever! But the second one NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED!!!! EVER!! THE FUCKING WORTHLESS SHITS ARE MAKING STUFF UP!!! THEY NEVER FUCKING COMMUNICATE EITHER!!!! I HAD NOOOOO IDEA ABOUT ANY OF THIS UNTIL LAST NIGHT!!!! I FUCKING HATE THEM!!!!!"

So... yeah. I have been shaking and crying basically nonstop since last night. I haven’t eaten today and I made myself throw up last night. I spent like 15 minutes just staring in the drug cabinet today wondering how many pills it would take to kill myself. But I haven’t been miserable long enough yet to do such a thing. A bright side though is that Jordan has been trying to cheer me up! Good sign? Idk.
I wanted to post earlier but my connection wasn’t working so I went ape shit on my mouse and beat it to hell, so I had to go buy a new one and come up with a lie for my parents. I also took this money gram to get cashed and at the 1st store they told me to fill out some stuff and take it to another store. At wal-mart they only accept money grams with the Wal-Mart logo on it and told me to go back to the 1st store that was being a bitch. So I'm still broke. Also I broke down crying in both places, but no one gave a shit or even pretended to care... I make it sound like I cry a lot more than I actually do, but I still do more than I’d like to...

When I got back from that adventure my grandparents were already at my house. I just talked to them for like 3 hours till my dad got home. I can’t stand them, they are super Mormons who are ignorant and stupid as hell and push their bull shit religion on me (sorry to the Mormon readers). The only highlight was teaching my grandma to text with T9... she’s like 85.

I have been avoiding my parents all day and I plan to continue. I’m going to somebody who I hardly knows grad party tonight, and hopefully when I'm out I can get my money gram cashed...
~Anton

Social life: It has sucked for most of high school. I was close with my friends here for the first couple years but then grew further and further apart. I had a pretty constant, but distant relationship with my friends in Utah. I didn’t really see them much or have a great time with them. Early in this last school year however, when I came out, I instantly started getting closer and closer to them, and even met one of my favorite people ever through texting. Over my winter trip in Utah I also got super close to my friends there. This past semester I spent more time with my friends than anyone else. It was total make up for my lack of a social life till now. I even started experimenting with stuff.
So, in short, I wish I could have started freshman year being like this semester. I wasted most of high school in this respect and I wouldn’t have been so miserable if I could just take my leas semester of high school and turn it into my 1st.

Reflections Pt. 1

2010-05-13T17:56:00.002-06:00

Hey guys. So like I said last week, I’m gonna have a few posts just like reflecting on my school career (mostly high school) and what not.

But 1st, today I basically chilled and went to pick up graduation tickets. I made $30 off my extras!!! I finally have some money!! I also chilled with my friends for a bit and we had a good time, although it felt odd being out of school. I'm pretty sure that in college we are gonna start growing apart like a lot of friends do, but we will also meet new people too. Ooh, also, some of us went to the pound too to look at dogs cuz my parents said I could get one for graduation, if I wanted. I want one, but at the same I'm not so sure... I didn't fall in love with any today, but there were ones I really liked...

Also I have new Formspring questions up now (or will very soon) thanks to those of you who asked.
~Anton

So... Reflections. I have been thinking a lot about the stuff I did and didn’t do in school. I will have a couple little things at the bottom of my posts this week talking about it.
Academics: I'm satisfied with the grades I got in school. I could have done better, but I wasn't challenged enough or motivated enough to do so. I did get a few C's, mostly in math, and I didn’t take the number of AP or duel enrolment classes as I should have. I totally slacked on home work and B.S.ed basically everything, but I did get to the point where I was so good I could get basically A's or B's on everything, which is pretty much what I got in all of my classes. Could I have done better? yes. Do I care? no, I’m going to a state school and I still got a 3.8 cumulative GPA anyways...

Over.

2010-05-12T13:24:00.002-06:00

You have changed, for the worse. I can’t get over it, I blame myself. This is my fault.

Hey.
So school is over. I miss it already, it keeps feeling like I’m going to go back, but I never will... Graduation is next Monday. What is probably the greatest chapter of my life is over, and it really wasn’t even so great.

I'm a psychopathic mess. I spent all of Sunday night just crying for like no reason, and the same thing happened yesterday. I also made myself throw up again on Sunday, but I think I'm done, for now at least.

The last day of school went well. It was pretty enjoyable, but very sad. One of my friends was really sad though because her parents are kinda crazy. I did my best to comfort her, but I was a bit of a mess inside that day so I doubt I helped much. Any who, she started her own blog called "Letters To Anton" (yay) and it is really cool, although she hasn’t posted much. I love this girl to death! =) Links on the side.

We went to the Senior picnic after school and there was this HUGE shaving cream/water balloon fight, which I got out of unscathed, but my car got a bit dirty. I didn’t even get to see 1/2 of the people there that I wanted to, but it was a good end of high school thing. We also got to ambush my friend’s brother with water balloons when he was getting home. And we got John too. It was fun. Also my friend who though she was preggers started her period (eew) but yay cuz that would have sucked if she really was!

We went to my house later that afternoon, cuz most of us were gonna sleep over. It was me John and Jordan driving, and we kinda had a race. John was winning by a good half a mile for most of it, so I decided to take a gamble and went out to the highway to try to catch up ground, and when I turn down the street that you turn onto my street from, and I see John at the other end so I speed up and turn down my street. The thing is this one bitch and her fat ass boy friend were crossing in the middle of the street. I wasn’t speeding by more than 5 mph, but I think my sharp turn scared her, and John and Jordan did the same thing behind me, but we all slowed down and went around them. But anyway they come to bitch us out, which I was okay with cuz I shouldn’t have been racing in the 1st place, but I did kinda get them to shut up by pulling the J-walking card and I just told them that " I know I shouldn’t be speeding but I was just excited to get home on my last day of school, and that I expect people to cross at the cross walk where they are supposed to cross, so drivers can see them."

Then we had fun showing John and Jordan our tortoises cuz they hadn’t seen them yet, we had burgers that my mom made for us, and then started drawing on each other with high liters and painted the walls of the mud hut with UV paint cuz we had black lights so that night the walls and our bodies looked SOOOO FUCKING COOL!!!! It was light up all crazy and was awesome!

I stuck to my word about not drinking, but I did get stoned off my ass. It was super fun with all the neon stuff on the walls, I kept feeling like I was in space or something. It was relaxing and fun and totally the best mud hut party I have ever had!

John wasn't able to stay over, but I was okay with it cuz I am doing a really good job getting over him, although I could fall for him anytime if he started showing signs. I really like Jordan and we get along much better than I do with John. He is here for a few more months, and I don’t have a good enough read on him yet to know if he might be interested or not. I’m guessing not. But anyways, he’s super cute!

I have been cleaning for the past 2 days and it sucks!!! It’s for my stupid bitch ass grandparents are coming for graduation. I CAN'T STAND THEM!!! My doggy is in surgery today to get some infected teeth removed and to fix her gum disease. It makes me so sad to see animals in pain. And I think I’m getting sick. I hate being sick!

This is getting too long so I will go now. And please formspring me if there is anything you wanna know, and I will answer everything honestly, so... yeah.
~Anton

Mothers day...

2010-05-09T17:56:00.005-06:00

Happy mother’s day everyone! I hate my mother so I didn’t really do much to make it special for her. I may once I get my fucking $1500 she stole from me back... idk. We did go out to eat at some steak house. It wasn’t very good, but we got free desert cuz my mom sold the manager there a car, there was a CUTE bus boy and there was this funny big black waiter there who was a total flamer.

I got my car a year ago today! It has pretty much given me my social life and any reason to live from day to day.

People are right, I do fight too many battles and I need to pick them better, but I guess I’d rather have the stress from them from the thoughts I’d have otherwise. My mind needs to be kept occupied. I'm talking to IttyK again kinda. We just keep missing each other on facebook and she doesn’t have her phone. She is probably my second biggest cause of stress right now and is usually high up on the list, cuz I do care a lot about her, despite how much we fight. And I also got her sister to kinda open up to me today which isn’t something she does easily.
My other friend from Utah is being too happy. I dislike it.

I think gay prom is off; we have too many graduation parties going on that day. I’m not really that upset cuz I am done with john and Jordan didn’t want to go in the 1st place.

Today things seem like things take forever to do, but a lot of time passes during them very quickly. It’s odd.

Last night I went to Iron Man 2 with Luis. He is sooooo cute! The movie was ok, I liked it better than the 1st one, but I still didn't really care for it.

Tomorrow is it for school!!! I cannot believe it’s over! It’s scary and imma cry. The picnic and the party at my house will be fun though!

Oh, and what is something you want me to post about. It can be anything really, I just wanna post about something you all care about and not just me talking and not knowing if anyone gives a shit. I may not get around to it for a little while, but lemme know what you wanna know!
~Anton

P.s. JJ had to delete his blog. It was fantastic while it lasted. He grew so much while having it and it was a mistake that his parents made making him get rid of it. We will miss you, but you have good stuff going for you and you seem to be happy over all. I’m glad for you, there needs to be happiness in the world (even if it’s obvious happiness isn’t meant for some of us) you brought it to everyone who read you at least once. Thank you and see you around. Good luck in everything you do

1 more day

2010-05-08T14:36:00.004-06:00

Monday is my last day of school. It’s only like a half day and then we have the senior picnic, which should be totally awesome. And then I'm having 10 or so people who are coming over for a little party/sleepover. It’s just pissing me off though cuz I have 2 friends who keep trying to get all of these other people to come who I REALLY don’t want there.

Ben and I might hang out soon. I don't understand why he wants to though. I suck. He's sweet.
Jordan is back in town too! I saw him late last night. He’s adorable. But I’m sure he doesn’t like me like everyone else I’m interested in, and who could blame them.

I’m doing a good job of pissing people off lately, but they are stupid and deserve it. I’m right about all of it too... they just have a hard time admitting it until they get hurt. I’m sick of people hurting themselves, but I have smoked more this week than I have the whole rest of the semester, so I'm kinda on the bandwagon; just not as bad as most people. Still... one friend is totally being used by this guy that she thinks cares about him when all he wants is to get into her pants, and I’m sure that she will let him soon enough, and then she'll be crushed. Another is moving WAY too fast with drugs and sex and everything and is gonna fuck her life up. I’d bet money on it and it kills me inside cuz I love her (yes, my song yesterday was for you) and another really good friend is quite possibly pregnant. She can’t handle a kid and neither can her boy friend, but they will probably keep it if she is.
Then, on a less dire level there is the one friend is an eternal idealist and can’t see reality for what it is. One has an ego bigger than mine can be and can’t deal with being wrong. One is totally using guys. One judges people based on superficial or subjective thoughts and few facts or points of view. One puts herself in a bubble and ignores problems. One is self destructive, which is sad cuz I don’t think she realizes she’s one of my favorite people ever.

I know I’m bad, but I don’t cross lines nearly as bad as all of these people, except maybe for being self destructive. It’s unreasonable and stupid.

I don’t think I'm gonna end high school with the grades I want. And I still have SOOO much to do for college. And I’m broke!

I am physically sick. I can’t stop shaking. My heart feels over worked. I’m nauseous and twice in the past 2 days I forced myself to throw up. It relaxes me and I used to do it occasionally back in the dark days of endless misery to relieve some stress. I need to try and stop. It’s bad, but it helps. I haven’t done it in years!

I'm not going to drink at the party thing Monday. I fuck up my body too much anyways.

My world is a total fucking mess, but I’m strong and I don’t really care. I’m just gonna do my own thing, but my tendency to speak my mind starts a lot of wars with people. I just need to alienate myself from them and quietly watch their lives collapse instead of getting involved and pretending I care.

Writing this post has totally relaxed me and helped me realize some shit. I have a ton of shit to deal with, but I just need to care less.
Still… people leave me speechless everyday with the things they do…

Laters
~Anton

2 days left..

2010-05-06T18:08:00.005-06:00

Friday and Monday... That’s it. I’m scared. I’m not ready. I'm sad. And I hate people. They suck. Well... a lot of them do.

I don’t have much hope or faith, in myself or other people, some more than others. I'm beyond disappointed with some people, like... IDK. I just don’t know anything anymore, it’s all changing and I’m not sure where it came from. School, friends, people, life... ugh. I have nearly broke down crying today for a ton of reasons. Tests, music, conversations, thinking about my crush (my neighbor), my friend... they have all nearly sent me over the edge today.
[I wrote this like 2 hours ago and since then i have been physically feeling the stress like i did before prom. I cant handle some people! I think I'm starting to cry]

I have officially decided I like my neighbor, Luis, more than John, even if he is straight. I finally decided to name him; "cute neighbor" wasn’t working. So yeah, IDK. I hate how I look. Sooo fucking ugly. hmm...

I blazed yesterday with 3 of my friends. I felt guilty about it afterwards, but it was still super fun during, especially going to the art show at my school that I made my friends go to, cuz John had a piece in there. The art was very pretty!

So the week between when I get out of school and graduation I’m gonna have a series of posts reflecting on my high school experience. I have been thinking about it a lot and it will be good for me to get my feelings out there. It may be depressing though, but I will at least do my best to not bore you with it...

Probably most people won’t like this song, but it’s angry, and how I feel right now.

Be happy, someone needs to be.
~Anton

Dont Cross Me, Bitch! (5 days of school left)

2010-05-03T21:39:00.009-06:00

Hey! So I'm pissed right now so the 1st part of this is gonna be me bitching/venting.

I was having a normal conversation with IttyK's (from In which I Vent About Everything) sister today when, out of nowhere, she goes off on me, calling me a "dick face," "superficial," "crude," "pointless because I spend all my time looking cool which will never get you further than the most willing vagina" (she doesn't yet know I’m gay) and that I'm gonna get stranded in some city, being a whore basically. Then she says something about me or someone lying to her and won’t explain it and says I will find out. Then she says something about, IDK... Anyways I told her to fuck off and that was the end of that.
Bitch is lucky she lives 450 miles away cuz next time I see her imma fuck her shit up! I’m ready to burn a bitch! I’m really pissed cuz it came from NOWHERE and she wouldn’t explain herself.

And this mother fucking homophobic skinhead ass hole totally failed at his thesis presentation today! It made me so happy! Hope the ignorant bastard fails!
AND MY FUCKING INTRNET ISNT WORKING FOR ME!!!!!
Ok... I'm done. It felt good.

The rest of the day was good. School went by fast and after school was fun too. We walked around target for a while and kinda played tag. John was there so that was nice. Then me and 2 of my girlies went on an adventure full of balls. Yeah, sounds funner than it was, but it was still fun. We walked around the country club, took some pictures, stole a sign, 3 golf balls, and 17 tennis balls. It was pretty crazy and fun!
I also saw some very nice pictures of my gorgeous 'straight' neighbor at his last track meet. yum.

So here is some new music I like, it helps me calm down and what not, Enjoy:

This is a happy song that is rather pretty… and a hot guy!

And this one has lots of hot guys and it’s a total work of art!

6 Days

2010-05-02T17:16:00.002-06:00

...left of school! It’s crazy! I can’t believe I’m almost done!

This weekend had been AGONIZINGLY boring and my internet connection has been sucking worst than usual in my room.

I don’t think that I’m going to have a graduation party cuz I don’t think that many people would go to it, and I wouldn’t bother having one unless I am getting tons of stuff, which I probably wouldn’t. Plus all of my friends are having theirs that I can go to.

I will actually have a birthday party this year though, something that I haven’t done in a long time. I’m haven’t totally decided what I’m going to do yet, but I am leaning towards a 'black' theme. You know, watermelon, fried chicken, kool-aid, ghetto music... all of that. haha... no, I’m not racist, I just enjoy the stereotypical black culture.

I have come to the conclusion that I am an awful person. I know I may not *always* seem like it but I am... Like for instance, I am absolutely loving the spectacle of watching this one friend’s life fall into ruins. It is soooo much fun! Especially cuz most of it is avoidable. But that is really only the tip of the iceberg. If there was this epic battle between good and evil, I'd probably choose evil, just to shake things up. Or I'd choose the side that would benefit me the most, cuz I am a fairly selfish person...

I think too much when I am alone for long periods of time like this weekend. It has been very depressing in my head this weekend, I really want a therapist. It would be a major help for my stress that a result of my fucked up thought sequences. Sigh...

I will post again when my life starts getting more interesting... hopefully tomorrow or sometime this week.
Till then
~Anton

It feels like Sunday...

2010-05-01T10:17:00.003-06:00

Hey, sorry again for my failure to post in forever.

My excuse is that I have been working on thesis shit for the past week, basically non-stop. It had completely killed my motivation to do anything else. But I totally kicked ass on it! I have always been pretty good at presenting in front of people, and this time was one of my best, probably cuz I knew the subject so well. I made my teacher start cracking up at one point, convinced a republican bitch that a public health insurance option is the way to go and after class my teacher shook my hand and told my how well I did. It went really well!

I only have 6 more school days! It’s quite terrifying to be honest. I feel extremely stressed and I just wanna go on a hike in the mountains and never come back!

I am planning on going to another prom. PFLAG is having a gay prom in May and I am planning on going with a big group of gays from my school, including John. I’m totally done trying to make things happen with him and I’m not even going to go with a date, unless someone asks me. I am somewhat interested in Jordan however. He was kinda the "gay of the group" before I started hanging out with my friends. He moved to Texas and I've only met him a couple of times. Last time I saw him he had a boy friend, but since then they broke up, so... we'll see where things go... He will be in town soon, and will be here for gay prom.

On top of that I watched Sherlock Holmes last night with my gorgeous straight neighbor, it was very enjoyable! I kinda view my relationship with him as being similar to Kurt and Finn, for those of you who watch Glee. The only difference is he doesn’t know that I’m gay/interested in him, and I’m not at all gorgeous like Kurt... but I’m still not 100% sure my neighbor is totally straight.

April went by unbelievably fast!!!
Have a good day
~Anton

Pics and Stuff

2010-04-24T14:40:00.012-06:00

Sorry I haven’t posted. I have been in the middle of being super bitchy and pissed at basically everyone, and posting is not what I wanted to do.
Yesterday however went well. I had a good shopping trip in the morning and I went to my neighbor’s birthday party and got to hang out with a really cute straight boy... who I have my suspicions about. Plus Friday was fun.

Today was ok. I have been feeling really down and depressed, and all the shit of reality is catching up with me. My mom has been running around the neighborhood all day getting everyone to sign a card for one of our neighbor’s whose husband passed away Friday. He was pretty nice, but I never really had anything to do with him.
Also it seems looks like my neighbors parents (the one who had her birthday party) might be getting a divorce! I Fucking hate the dad. He is a terrible person and it’s about time she kicks him to the curb! Their older daughter ran away to Mexico a few years ago with her boy friend, but she might come back this summer, which I'm happy about.

So anyways, I have some pictures and videos for you. Either me or my computer do something wrong when putting pictures up and as a result some people can’t see them, so I apologize if you are one of those people...

Here is everyone at my house before we went to prom, I’m the one on the very right with the ridiculous hair piece thing... It was much cuter than the pictures show.

Here are me and my beautiful boy that I will never ever have. I don’t care what people say, John is 10X more attractive than I am. But I still think we are cute together! Ha

Here I am with one of my amigas in math on day of silence. I thought I was rather adorable that day! haha

Here is a video that we had to do for my Natural Disasters class. We had to do a report on hurricanes. I got to dress in drag and play a weather girl. It was fun. Oh, and I blame my bad acting on my friends dad being asleep, preventing me from being loud, and the fact that I had to go home so we shot my 2 scenes in 1 take. I’m actually an okay actor.

Now here's some music that I’ve been listening to a lot lately, sorry if you don’t like some of it, I don’t have consistent taste in music...

Silver and Cold ~ AFI

Cosmic Love ~ Florence + The Machine

I Made It ~ Kevin Rudolf

Hope you enjoyed, I will try to post more than I have been.
And remember to formspring me, and if you need it, my e-mail is antonhawk@crawler.com.

With love
~Anton

And is everyone ok with the new color scheme? Let me know if you want me to change it! :)

I'M OUT!!!!!

2010-04-19T22:25:00.005-06:00

Hey! First off, thank you for voting if you did so yesterday, I posted it with only like an hour left to vote, so... yeah. But we won by 37 votes! Out of like 17,000. My school gets some much needed money now so it’s really good.

So... Prom. Was fun, NOTHING happened with me and John and coming out went well.
We all worked on makeup and stuff for the girls before dinner. Then we went to Zio's and I paid for John, bring the total I spent on him to like $60. I don’t care though, even though I should. Dinner was good! We had fun and everyone was gorgeous! It made me happy.
Anyways, then we went to my house. I told my parents that John was my date. They acted pretty indifferent and like they expected it. But they were really nice to him and everyone. I have felt awkward around them ever since though... it will pass though. They said they will support me no matter what. Now I just have to come out to my god mother this summer...
Actual prom was ok. The DJ was great and the deserts were good. The hotel was very pretty too... Through-out the night me and John didn’t have much to do with each other and only really danced with other people. But dancing was still fun! I grinded with basically everyone. Alas, it was overall disappointing with John, it was completely expected, and I still had a good time. People slept over after the dance and I was planning on getting wasted with John and seeing where things went, but he was one of the ones that had to go home. Oh well! We didn’t even drink or anything once it came down to it. So we have a big bottle of really nice vodka for some other time. I hate vodka.

Today I dressed in full drag for a movie we made for my Natural Disasters class. I will post it later this week, along with some prom pics, I still haven’t seen the final video product yet though, but I hear it’s AWESOME!!! I had fun in drag =)
Saturday I also made a really cool duct tape wallet. I was proud of my skills.

Let’s see... (500) Days of Sumer was a good movie and My Sisters Keeper brought me to tears! I need to read the book now! It was so good!

This song is fucking awesome! The female vocals are from the lead singer of Paramore, who I LOVE!

"Can we pretend that the airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could rally use a wish right now!"
~Anton

Please vote!

2010-04-18T22:20:00.002-06:00

vans.com/customculture
Vote for Rio Rancho High School for the Southwest finalist!!! We are in a dead heat with another high school for $10,000 for arts programs that Vans is giving away!

I have had a super hectic day and i will post about prom tomorrow! I promise!
Spoiler alert: nothing interesting happened... =(

But now the important thing is to vote for my broke ass school!!!
vans.com/customculture

Day of Silence

2010-04-16T22:51:00.002-06:00

...went well. I made it until the last 11 minutes i was there. Hardly anyone did it but it was good anyways. I looked freaking adorable!

I saw John tonight... it was pretty normal. I picked up on some signs that he is not interested as i have always known. IDK what the hell I was thinking yesterday. I have no intentions of asking him out anymore. Sanity has come back to me.

TOMORROW IS PROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAHH!!!!!! sooo excited! sooo nervous! I cant wait! haha. And I'm coming out to the rents!!!

So, I'm wearing a black suit, white shirt and a metallic aqua tie that matches Johns color perfectly. Mine has a vertical wavy pattern and his has diagonal stripes. Then I'm also wearing a Mini top hat hair piece with a black flower, black feathers and a veil thing. Its CUTEEEEE!!! haha
Hopefully my hair isn't a bitch like usual.

Its rainy and beautiful, i love stormy weather!

I'm in denial that it is so close to prom!!! I should be having an anxiety attack, but I'm doing completely fine. I'm not complaining!

That's about it, i wont be posting tomorrow but I will give you the prom dish on Sunday! =)
Laters.
~Anton

IDFK!!! (i dont fucking know!!!!!!!!!!)

2010-04-15T17:46:00.002-06:00

Well... I'm doing better physically. I have been able to sleep and I can eat at least a little again. Emotionally however, it’s bad! It’s getting worse that it was last November/December.

I know it kinda seems like I took on too much all at once. But it’s just how things fell into place. This is my LAST chance with the guy I have fallen in love with a couple times and if I don’t do it I will regret it forever. Day of Silence will be fun, I was just freaking out cuz it’s another thing me and John will be doing together. I’m really looking forward to it though. Just the whole John thing is what’s killing me again.

Ugh!!! God fucking damnit, I’m an idiot! I like him more and more every day!!! And he is a total ass. We just got back from prom shopping, just him and me. I spent so much money! Not only did I buy his prom ticket, I just paid $40 of the $55 for the ties we are wearing. We decided to go halfsies on them, and I paid with cash 1st, and I wanted the cashier to give me like $15 back, then John would put the rest on his card. The cashier never gave me my change back and John only paid like $15. I thought he might make it up when I went to go get this super cute veiled hat thingy at Icing and pay the $15 for that... but no!
Besides that, everything went well. Too well? IDK, he was funny and amazing to be around.
On the way back home I decided I really want to ask him on a real date after prom sometime. IDK how I would pay for it, I KNOW he won’t say yes anyways though... but I probably will do it anyways. I am not spending this much time and money on someone I am like, in love with to not go all out. I will be shot down, but at least I will go down fighting for happiness! I’m emotionally fucked either way. This way it will have all been for a reason.
I think he is also coming over to my house for a sleep over after the dance. I’m so conflicted on how I feel about that.

For like half a second yesterday I thought about suicide, which I haven’t done in like 5 years. No need to worry. I’m too devoted to prom to do anything stupid like that. It just seems easier. I PROMISE I won’t though... NEVER EVER!
I did get a manicure yesterday. It was nice.

That’s about it... FUCK MY LIFE!
~Anton <3

Breaking Down

2010-04-13T17:03:00.003-06:00

I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m being absolutely foolish. My mind is enslaving me to hope. I don’t like hope, it always lets me down. This week has already lasted what feels like a month. It either needs to go faster or stop entirely.

I’m stupid for having expectations for prom. But I do. I KNOW he isn’t interested like that, but thinking that something could click between us is one of the few things keeping my going. I offered to buy his ticket today, which is gonna make my go completely broke, but I think that by going all out I will improve my chances. But it won’t. There goes $30. Were going tie shopping Thursday... we're gonna get matching ties. It will be cute and make things go off in my head. I know this is my last shot with John, I know that nothings gonna happen, I’m just making things difficult for myself. It’s STUPID!

I know my parents are gonna be fine with everything, but they are making it difficult and I’m still so nervous. And there will be like 10 other people there with us when I tell them Johns my date.

I’m also thinking about dressing up quite provocatively for Day of Silence, and I keep thinking that something might go wrong with that. At the same time I’m also excited for it! It will be the day before I come out to my parents and it will be coming out to everyone I haven’t come out at school. Teachers, old friends, judgmental ass holes. The timing for Day of Silence is very interesting for everything else going on for me.

I feel sick, from fear mostly. Constant nausea. No appetite except for one time when I kinda binged. I couldn’t sleep Sunday night and only managed 3 last night. I’m gonna take sleeping meds tonight. IDK why I’m doing this to myself. Nothing is really THAT big, and I already know how everything is gonna go. I’m just building up the hype in my head and I will disappoint myself.

My friends are starting to annoy me when we hang out after school. I’m just too on-edge to deal with them. Glee is on tonight though. It makes me happy.
And.. ADAM LAMBERT IS ON AMERICAN IDOL!!!!

I’m lost. I’m a fool. I’m scared.
Anyways, I know it’s hypocritical, but, Be Happy!
~Anton

A Lovely Sunday

2010-04-11T20:19:00.002-06:00

Hey hey...
Today was pretty good. This morning was nice and relaxing. My mom made a good breakfast and I dropped several hints that I know that she hasn't repaid me.

Then I went to coffee at my favorite coffee place with a couple of my friends who are now in college. We spent 3 hours there and we are gonna hang out again on Wednesday.

I went to Wal-Mart twice; the first time was for groceries for my mom. The cashier had probably an IQ of 20 and when I was ready to pay was like "Hey man, you hear bout that Poland President?" at which point he made a hand motion of a plane crashing and made a really loud crashing sound. I thought it was quite inappropriate, but that’s what I get for going to Wal-Mart. The second time was to get some colored duct tape for Day of Silence, which is this Friday. I got one that is blue and purple tie dye. It is supper pretty! On Friday I'm gonna tape it over my mouth and write "FAG" on it...

I had a really good conversation with Ben from Bens World today. It took my mind off life and we made some insane plan to fly to London to see Lady Gaga for her next tour. But it is something I would totally do too! XP haha

This evening I watched Fame. FABULOUS movie!!! During it I dot this reeeeally weird nauseous feeling. It was like a mixture of misery and terror. There is no explanation for it, but it’s awful. One of my friends says she thinks it’s an omen of something either really good or really bad. I’m gonna pretend it’s something really good and keep my fingers crossed for prom night! ;)

I am going accessory shopping tomorrow, hopefully with John. If he can go later in the week I may wait to then too. But I want him there cuz we wanna match and it would be easier that way. I’m so stoked!

Thanks for all the comments on yesterdays post! It really put my mind to rest.
Love you all!
~Anton

The end of my known world...

2010-04-10T23:35:00.002-06:00

Yeah, it’s a bit dramatic but that what’s gonna happen for me in about 4 months or so.

So like I said 2 posts ago “I have been thinking a lot about growing up and moving on with life and I have decided I don’t want to.” Here it is:

I don’t want to go to college. I’m so comfortable in high school and I may not be happy all the time, but I am content. I like how things are and I don’t want them to change. This is inevitable and is gonna happen far too soon. For me college means constant working on school work or for a job, not having much money or free time, and responsibility. I just see it stressing me out a lot.

After that I have to search out my career and compete with hundreds of other people for the job I will have for the rest of my life. I have to support myself completely and whatever family I find myself having. I’m not ready for college let alone a career.

In high school I have had financial freedom, social independence, a limited work load, the freedom to travel a lot during breaks and all that stuff. Yes I have made what I would consider some major mistakes that I would love to go back and redo, especially with the social aspects of it all, but I’d still take it over becoming an adult. I’m not ready. At all!

For me the future is so bleak. I am about as adorable as I will ever be and I have had really bad luck in the romance department. I’m scared I will never find that person I will love unconditionally and eternally. I’m scared I will fail regarding a job or having nice things, or being able to travel like I would like to. Even outside of a personal basis the future is scary. Our environment is going to hell, there are too many people and more importantly too many idiots. The future is so uncertain and I don’t see our global problems being fixed. I fear my personal world and the greater world are doomed to despair.
This doesn’t mean I won’t try to be happy or make things better, I just don’t suspect I will be successful.

So here I am at the end of all things. My comfort zone has crumbled and I am being forced into situations I’m not ready for. I’m pretty unsatisfied with my life up to this point and what the hell can I do about it? I know I seem pessimistic, but I will give it my best to be happy. This is just how I see things. I’m scared, I’m unhappy and I’m not ready. The best could very well be behind me which is sad cuz it hasn’t been that good, but it’s time to move on and deal with whatever is coming. Happiness is improbable, but I will seek it where ever I go, just as I have always done and I will continue to get those very limited results as always.

Back to 49... =/

2010-04-09T23:14:00.003-06:00

Meh! one of my followers left. it was sad. Oh well...

Anyways, about the money situation. Thanks for the advice. I had resolved a long time ago to break all financial ties with my parents when I'm 18. I will close my current bank account and start one of my own and all of that. Until then i will hoard all my cash in my room and lock it up. This whole thing has really given me a wake up call to get a job, and i will start applying Sunday.
Earlier i did tell my mom that i was needing to withdraw $100 or so for prom stuff just to see her reaction. She said she would just give me the money so i didn't have to go through the bother of going to the bank. FUCKING BITCH! gah, she pisses me off so much! Oh well... 2 months till I'm 18.

I wasn't supposed to post tonight cuz i was gonna sleep over at my friends but her dads an ass and kicked us out... so here i am. I did have a very good evening though. I spent most of it with John and other friends. (and Dolphin and Turtle are back together!!!) We were getting along better than ever. He is really excited for prom too and i am keeping my fingers crossed that some magic will happen on prom night... WHICH IS IN A WEEK!!!! He also talked a lot about some of those things that make me jealous/envious /sad. I may be in danger of falling for him as hard as i did late last year again. Its really hard and i cant wait for coffee Sunday to talk to my friends and stuff.

One of my friends is also in the process of fucking up her life or is at least on the slippery slope of doing so. It takes all my will power to talk to her but i don't want to be emotionally involved. I'm an ass and i don't really care. People should know better and be smarter. NOT MY PROBLEM!!!

I also have some new answers on formspring. ASK MORE! or not... i don't care, i just like answering things.
Night.
~Anton

YAY!!! 50 Followers! :D

2010-04-08T21:50:00.003-06:00

hey hey! So quite a bit has been up.

We keep going shopping for prom stuff which is super fun, and now I think all I have left to do is accessorize. I am gonna get this one really cute ring and a head band or something adorably queer to wear on my head. When we were at the mall today I saw one of the cutest lesbian couples ever, which I typically wouldn’t say. I’m fine with lesbians; they just tend to scare me a bit. Speaking of being frightened, I was on a walk with my friends tonight and we were nearly attacked be a huge ass spider. I am terribly arachnophobic and was freaking out while they took pictures of it.

I have determined my Natural Disasters teacher is on crack after he ran around the room pretending to be a train one day. We also had the WORST pep rally imaginable today. t-o-r-t-u-r-e.

I want to rip my bitch-ass cunt-face moms head off. About 9 or 10 months ago when both of my parents were drinking a lot they were stealing money from me. I had $1,500 in the bank and when I went in to go cash a check or something last summer they said my balance was about -$450. Today when I went in to withdraw $50 or so dollars for prom stuff I found out I only had $32 dollars in there even now. Fucking bitch never paid me back the money that she took without permission!! And over half was money I raised and the rest was college money. I FUCKING HATE THAT BITCH!!! Tomorrow I’m gonna bring up needing to withdraw money and when she tells me there is nothing in there I'm gonna bitch her out. I'm so pissed!

I am gonna start applying for jobs again this weekend. I also have a coffee date with some old friends Sunday and I’m super excited!

I have been thinking a lot about growing up and moving on with life and I have decided I don’t want to. But I won’t make this post too long so I will save that for another day.
~Anton

.

2010-04-05T14:50:00.004-06:00

Im Im not really in the mood to do a real post. I have had a lot going on and I havent been exactly the happiest person ever. But I'm dealing...
Anyways, this really cheers me up. Adam Lambert is one of my biggest celebrity crushes ever and this song is one of my faves(which you probably know cuz i have posted another version before). I found this version and fell in love!
Enjoy:

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Missed opertunities and new prospects

2010-04-03T15:16:00.003-06:00

Yesterday my friends came over and we just hung out and watched movies and stuff. We went on an adventure through these rain drains that are about 2 or so miles long at 9 at night... that was pretty fun and creepy! haha
We were talking about how we are all excited about prom and where we wanna go eat beforehand. Then someone brought up dates and who some others were taking, and John got brought up. They said that he really liked me for about a week or so after the first night in October when we made out and stuff. They had hinted at it before, but he never seemed to show signs of it, that’s why I never acted. So I have been pissed at myself for the past several hours... If I had acted I may have the thing that I really want right now! oh well... I guess =/

The idea that he liked me at one point thought made me excited for prom even more. If I play my cards right I may make him realize he likes me more than he thought and maybe something will come out of it?
Also, our gay friend who lives in Texas and who I have a crush on broke up with his boy friend a couple days ago... He is coming back here in August so I may see what I can make of that situation then.

I’m just taking the bad and looking forward to possible good, even if I’m doubtful that anything will come of either situation.
Love you
~Anton

My worlds at peace, or Im in the eye of a storm. Either way, Im happy

2010-03-30T15:39:00.003-06:00

Hey guys! How are you??

Anyways, yesterday was one of the craziest in a long time. I won’t go into detail and bore you, but there was a lot of good that came out of it, and some difficulties, but over all I went to bed a happy person last night.

School was incredibly normal, and not much to say there. As far as after school, things got interesting. John came over to take pictures of Rabbit for his photography class. It was super cool cuz she put beautiful make-up on half of her face and left the other half plain. It was super pretty and creative.

The topic of Prom came up, and following the direction of the conversation I asked him...HE SAID YES!!!
Not only did he say he would go with me, but when I told him my plan with my parents he got really excited and said he'd LOVE to be my come-out date!!!
Today I told my mom that I had a date but I wouldn’t tell her who, which annoyed her. I just told her that she "would meet them at the before party." I’m really excited and scared.

After that we went and got some delicious doughnuts and went to Peacocks house to meet a German foreign exchange student, play life and smoke hookah. We kinda cold shouldered Peacock a bit and made our point a little more clear. Then we went to Taco Bell and all of us refused to borrow money from him, as we intended to break ties with him. Then we went to walk around on the golf course by Dolphins house and there we confronted them.
We made our case, told them how we felt and how hurt and pissed we were. They knew what they did was wrong. Instead of kicking Peacock out, which I wanted, we just suspended him from hang outs and sleep over’s for about 2 weeks... he thought it was fair and we could tell he felt guilty. He also told me in confidence that he realized how much he needed us. I now know that we do in fact have power over him if he acts up again.
As far as Dolphin, she started crying really hard last night during the confrontation and was saying things like "I don’t deserve your love" and whatnot. Now for anyone who thinks that they could contend with the weirdness of me and my friends, you are sorely wrong. We comforted her be all taking off some of our clothes to put over her to warm her up cuz she was so cold, at one point leaving Peacock and Panda in nothing but their underwear. We sand Tik Tok at the top of our voices over the golf course until the sprinklers came on. We went to another area, fully clothed again, and invented a new tag game called ‘Sea Bear’ (from SpongeBob) and ran around like idiots in the black of night. Then we raced to a park and almost killed ourselves running there. We wrote love songs about the Taco Bell worker named Dee Dee, out Natural Disasters teacher and a ton of other random shit. It was awful, but very fun. Things seem to be going well on that front, although it still isn’t what I wanted. I just had to compromise a bit.

Today I had a parent teacher conference and I have a 4.2 GPA, proving to myself that even though I'm not the good kid I used to be, I can balance social life and school very well.
I also have been eating black berries and blasting Lady Gaga, making me all that happier.
Things are certainly better.
Hope I didn’t bore you
~Anton

Crashing Down

2010-03-28T22:08:00.002-06:00

Today has not been my day. I am really miserable right now. My head is racing with negative thoughts, my iPod insists on playing depressing music, and people are causing me so many problems right now.

I’m scared about the whole John thing and tomorrow we are starting the war with Peacock to get him out of the group.
Noelle (from Dark Orchid) was being obnoxious when I saw her earlier; even though most of our conversation was good... it just brought me down a bit.
IttyK is being selfish and stupid and making some decisions that are gonna hurt her and me... It actually drove me to tears earlier, which hasn’t happened in quite a while.
My mom is continually bitching me out about not finding a job, but I am sustaining my social life all on my own and she is just making me feel bad about not being ambitious. I should get one, but she is just being a bitch, and my dad backs her up.
They also blame me for losing my house key, even though I think it was stolen, because, as they know, I am super careful with everything. I can’t remember the last thing I lost. After that is the 2nd time I broke down in tears tonight. Life is completely overwhelming me today.
I also got some really disappointing news too, but it’s not even important and I won’t get into it now... but it kinda hurt after what happened yesterday, which kinda made me excited. Maybe I'll explain some other day =/ sorry, idk why I brought that up. Its making me wanna cry for a 3rd time though.

This is completely turned around from Friday. I was excited about John and the war with Peacock. I went dress shopping with my friends for prom and had a blast helping making them all look amazing. I even got a confidence boost from myself when I accidentally checked myself out in a mirror in Dillard’s and was like "Ooh! Cute gay boy!" but it was me... I know. Lame, but it felt good anyways.
We are also making friends with a cashier named Dee Dee at Taco Bell. I know... weird. But she is really cool and gives us free drinks. I’m oddly attracted to her, not in a sexual way, but just her personality. She is very intriguing. IDK.
We also finished our revised version of our Life game that we were working super hard on and got to play it.

The best part of my day was an invite from my uncle and his wife to go live with them for a while this summer in Oregon and work on her Sons State Senate campaign. It sounds awesome, but I’m not sure if I will have time.

Everything was so good on Friday, but it has all kinda been fucked up today. At least I do have a few good things going on and I will deal with it all. It’s just seems like much more bad has happened to me today then good and it sucks.
Anyways, have a good night.
~Anton

The Last Battle, Explosions of Emotions, and Prom Plans...

2010-03-27T12:07:00.005-06:00

I know I said I wasn’t gonna really talk about friend drama anymore... but I will add this last update. Compromise and compassion were pushed out the window last Wednesday. We were at my house drinking a little and while me and 2 others were inside, Peacock was in the mud hut fingering Dolphin... in front of Rabbit! And then later denied it. And he wasn’t even drunk; he still had all his judgment. He is just fucking selfish and stupid. Then he goes on this rant about how he can kill a Bear in a one on one fight. It just showed how stupid he really is and how far up his own ass he is.
This is the last offense in a long line of them. He is out. We are in the process of figuring out how to do it and what effect we wanna cause. We are also gonna smack dolphin on the wrist, but we have chosen to keep her because of the larger problems that would cause. She can leave on her own if she wants and we won’t fight it, but Peacock is out one way or another.

In other news my emotions are exploding. I am changing emotions and moods constantly, and they usually conflict each other in many ways. I have the drama with friends, excitement about the summer and a few other things, but most of it has to do with relationships/love. First off, I keep getting these 'looks' from this one guy, who I admit is cute, but is an ass... and then I feel like a keep flirting with this other kid, but I have no idea what’s really going on, and I’m not all that interested. There are a couple other little things going on too, but nothing big or realistic or even interesting... Oh, and the situation with IttyK seems to be getting worse... IDK.
I'm kinda having a relapse with John. (If you don’t know who john is, go back to my posts from the end of last year) We got really excited together over the Lady Gaga Telephone music video premier, and had a great time at the mall about a week ago. Then after healthcare passed we got into a great conversation about it and I hoped that he would realize how perfect we are for each other. Didn't happen. We don’t seem to get along all the time anyways, and he has his hook-up buddy, CJ.

So this brings me to my Prom plans. I am going to ask John. Probably Monday, and probably just as friends. I don’t expect him to say yes, and I don’t even necessarily want him to. I will offer, because he is my friend and he is a Junior and won’t be able to go unless he goes with a Senior. He may already be going with some other friends anyways, and in that case I will probably just go with my friends.
My whole motive to have him come would be to have the before party at my house and introduce him to my parents as my prom date... and come out to them that way. I will, of course need to run that by him first, but I don’t see him opposing to it. I don’t even care what he does once we get there, I just kinda want him for the before party with my parents.
There is probably about a 20% chance that it will all work out, but I will try. Otherwise I will wait and see what happens and not push anything.